Empathy

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your infant’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-infant relationship while forming a trusting, loving attachment that will develop empathy, help your infant develop healthy relationships, and establish foundational life skills in the future.

It may seem like the only things infants can do in these early months of life involve eating, sleeping, and crying. In fact, they are learning so much. They are deeply engaged in building the foundational social and emotional skills to set the course for their lifetime. You have an opportunity to establish this valuable foundation now.

Empathy means the ability to take the perspective of and interpret the thoughts and feelings of others, including those from diverse backgrounds and cultures. Empathy directly relates to social awareness —  the ability to understand social and ethical behavior norms and recognize primary caregivers who offer resources and support. “Empathy can be instilled, and it is composed of teachable habits that can be developed, practiced, and lived.” ¹

Infants learn empathy through loving interactions with you and your responses to their needs. When you respond to their needs, they feel safe and secure. A sense of security provides a foundation for your infant to explore their world and to respond with care for others as they grow. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you.

Why Empathy?

Your infant’s secure and trusting connection with you is pivotal in its first year. You can lay the foundation for your infant’s growing empathy as you interact and share love, conversation, and facial expressions.

Today, in the short term, growing empathy can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• feelings of safety and security
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing empathy in your child

• prepares them for preschool and kindergarten
• develops the ability to share and take turns with adults and other children
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Growing Empathy

This five-step process helps you and lays the foundation for your infant’s growth in empathy. It also builds essential critical life skills in your infant. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Infants cry between two and three hours every day. Their primary form of communicating with you is through crying. Paying close attention to your infant’s facial expressions, movements, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your infant build trust and create empathetic interactions that promote empathy. In becoming sensitive to the slight differences in your infant’s cries and expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, their sense of safety, and their sense of healthy relationships
• are offering greater motivation for you and your infant to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are growing your own, and simultaneously their self-control (to calm down when upset and focus their attention)
• are modeling empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider how the distinct sounds of your infant’s cries connect with their body language. It is okay if you are unsure or don’t know what your infant is trying to communicate with you. Every infant is unique, and it takes time to learn. Check out these common cues and see if they match your infant’s feelings and associated needs.

• If infants are uncomfortable, they may issue a less intense, short, whiny cry like “eh, eh, eh.”
• If infants are in pain, their eyes may be closed or open for a second and look blankly in the distance. Parents and those in a parenting role often feel a greater sense of urgency with this cry. If it’s gas pain, they may scrunch up their face and pull their legs up.
• If infants are scared, their eyes may remain open, their heads may move backward, they may have a penetrating look and an explosive cry, and they might suddenly extend their legs, arch their back, and then curl up again—an involuntary startle response.
• If infants feel angry, their eyes may be half open or half closed, either in no direction or a fixed location. Their mouth may be open or half-open. Gestures may accompany crying, and they may arch their back to show they are upset. The intensity gradually increases.
• If infants are hungry, they may produce a cry that sounds similar to anger or discomfort, depending on the intensity. Cries can be short and low-pitched, and they rise and fall.
• If infants are tired, they may rub their eyes with them closing and opening. They may pull at their ears and yawn.

Identifying their specific cries and physical cues can help you respond to their needs. For example, if an infant is uncomfortable, respond by loosening or changing clothing, swaddling, or changing their position to see if it helps soothe them.

If your response to your infant’s cues doesn’t help, that’s okay. Test another response and see if it helps to soothe. It takes time to learn what your infant is communicating with you. As you practice, you’ll get better at recognizing their communication style. Your infant will feel a greater sense of your understanding and responsiveness, making your interactions more two-way than one-way.

Infants are learning how to be in healthy relationships through loving interactions. You grow their emotional empathy capacity when you respond to your infant’s needs. Skill building takes intentional practice. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your infant is working hard to learn. Here are some examples:²

• 0-3-month-olds respond to their parent’s voice by turning their head, quieting, or smiling. They make eye contact and cry differently depending on the situation. They coo and enjoy playful facial interaction with others. They also can be comforted by a parent’s touch or cuddling.
• 4-6-month-olds listen and respond when spoken to and make consonant sounds through babbling to gain attention. They make different sounds to express feelings and enjoy playful interactions like peek-a-boo. They raise their arms to be picked up.
• 7-9-month-olds use sounds and syllables in babbling to communicate and gain attention. They recognize their name and turn to objects and people when mentioned. They participate in two-way communication, can follow simple directions when paired with physical gestures, and offer simple nonverbal cues like head shaking to indicate “no.”
• 10-12-month-olds who use “Mama” or “Dada” can follow simple directions and say one or two words with complete sentences of imitation babbling. They understand “no” and use their hands to communicate needs. They point to objects of interest and explore when placed on the floor.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your infant for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Model empathy while interacting with your infant. Modeling empathy can be one of the greatest teaching tools.
  • Share the focus. As you spend time with your infant, follow their lead. As they pick up new toys or explore a different part of the room, they move, notice, and name what they are exploring.³ Follow your infant’s lead. They likely will signal with a short cry or simply change their attention when they need to shift their focus.
  • Notice gestures and listen for thoughts and feelings. Attempt to figure out what your infant is trying to tell you through their sounds, gestures, and facial expressions.
  • Infants require your attention to thrive. So, why not build a special time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your infant has to tell you? Turn off your phone. Set a timer if needed. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”
• Ensure daily face-to-face interactions. When face-to-face with a parent or someone in a parenting role, infants increase their sense of security and learn about themselves and their emotions. Their numerous minuscule facial muscles change to mimic your own. Research shows that eye contact increases heartbeats in parent and child and helps the infant learn about others’ emotional experiences.⁴
  • Talk up close to your infant. Try to get down on the same level when your infant is in a high chair, crib, or stroller. Narrate what’s happening around you or tell a favorite memory or story.
  • When encountering new people or situations, get on eye level with your infant and introduce them to those new experiences to help them feel safe.
  • Express love up close. Children need to hear they are loved at every age. Start now and get in the habit of assuring your infant they are loved no matter what.
• Hold your infant close regularly. Infants require close contact with their parents or someone in a parenting role. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and promotes immunity to disease. Heart rates and emotions sync up when infants are held closely.
  • Rocking in a rocking chair is a soothing way to connect and hold an infant.
  • Baby carriers offer a way to move about with your infant close to your heart.
  • Share the holding. Enlist other trusted family members or friends to share when holding your infant close.

Your daily routines allow you and your infant to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. Practice provides essential opportunities to grow empathy as your infant interacts with you and begins to learn social cues. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Actions

• Allow your infant to interact with new people of all ages with you close by their side.
• Create a consistent routine with regular nap times, play times, and meals. Routines create a sense of safety and security, so your infant can focus on learning and growing.
• Narrate your day as you do your household chores or run errands in your community. This narration will offer your infant a sense of connection and provide practice in some building blocks of empathy, such as listening to your thoughts and feelings.

At this point, you are laying the foundation for empathy with your infant by modeling empathy in your actions. Now, you can offer continued support and generate excitement and positive feelings.

Actions

• Learn about your infant’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your child’s developmental milestones can help you be more compassionate and patient.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you smiled at the new person we met in the store.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your infant is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your infant’s ability to face the unfamiliar. In a gentle, comforting voice, you can say, “Anna is kind. You might enjoy meeting her.” If your infant still seems uncomfortable meeting a new person, honor their hesitancy and do not force it. This is an excellent opportunity to model consent.
• Actively reflect on how your infant is feeling when approaching challenges. “You seem worried about going into this new store. I’ll hold you so you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your infant gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your infant face new challenges. “Would your blanket help you feel better?” Swaddle your infant, or you may use a pacifier to offer comfort.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your infant is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your infant’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your infant’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your infant. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed you were smiling when you heard me make those silly sounds. I love seeing you smile. Those sounds make me smile, too.”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent or someone in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the child stops the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.