Resilience

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your infant’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-infant relationship while forming a trusting, loving attachment that will grow resilience and establish foundational life skills in the future.

It may seem that infants can only eat, sleep, and cry in these early months of life. However, they are learning so much and are deeply engaged in building the foundational social and emotional skills to set the course for their lifetime. You have an opportunity to establish this valuable foundation now.

Resilience is one of the foundational skills that they are learning with you. Resilience is the ability to overcome challenges and adversities. You can often see resilience when people can thrive despite many challenges. A loving and consistent relationship with a trusted adult builds resilience in children.¹

No matter how many positive, supportive influences a child has in their life, too much adversity can have long-term negative effects on development. Reducing serious adversities in children’s lives is the best way to keep them healthy.²

Throughout the early years, children face developmentally appropriate challenges and learn whether or not an adult can be trusted to be there for them when needed. For example, when infants wake up in the middle of the night, they do not yet have the skills to settle themselves down and fall back asleep. When adults respond to their cries quickly and help them practice self-soothing, infants learn that this adult loves them, can be trusted, and will help them overcome challenges.

We all face challenges to being resilient. As your infant develops, it is essential that they turn to you to figure out when a challenge is the right size for them and how to overcome feeling scared or hurt. Resilience means being willing to face a right-sized challenge, even if a challenging experience in the past was difficult to overcome.

The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to develop resilience and build a relationship with your infant that provides reliable, unconditional support and love.

Why Resilience?

Your infant’s openness to engage in new things and recover from difficult experiences is essential to developing lifelong resilience. You can begin by establishing a predictable routine with your infant and supporting them when it inevitably gets interrupted.

Today, in the short term, resilience can create

• opportunities for your infant to try new experiences
• a sense of confidence that your infant can manage a certain level of difficulty
• a strong connection between you as you navigate these challenges together and triumph in success

Tomorrow, in the long term, developing resilience in your infant

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• provides a firm foundation for exploration, learning, and speaking up
• prepares your child for handling inevitable unexpected challenges in life
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Growing Resilience

This five-step process helps you and your infant grow resilience together. It also builds essential critical life skills in your infant. The same method can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Infants communicate with you through facial expressions, body language, crying, and other sounds. Paying close attention to your infant’s facial expressions, body movements, and sounds helps you better understand their message. Your efforts to learn from your infant build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts.

This will make a big difference in setting the stage for resilience. Your infant will begin to give you cues about whether a challenge feels too big or too small for them. Every infant is different, and your infant may change daily regarding how willing they are to take on challenges and be resilient when those experiences become difficult.

You are the person who will know your infant’s cues better than anyone else, and you will be able to anticipate if talking to someone new, trying new food, or another experience is right for today. Is your infant feeling particularly tired? Did they just get hurt, or are they hungry? Knowing how they are doing and what their facial expressions and body language mean will help you decide if a challenge is the right size for your infant right now.

In paying attention and noting minor differences in your infant’s cries, body language, and expressions, you

• show them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• let them know that you will help them to face challenges
• tell them that they can trust you to help them gain a sense of what experiences are right for risk-taking and which ones are not
• deepen your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

Consider how the distinct sounds of your infant’s cries connect with their body language. It is okay if you are unsure or don’t know what your infant is trying to communicate with you. Every infant is unique, and it takes time to learn. Check out these familiar cues and see if they match your infant’s feelings and associated needs.

• If infants are uncomfortable, they may issue a less intense, short, whiny cry like “eh, eh, eh.”
• If infants are in pain, their eyes may be closed or open for a second and look blankly in the distance. Parents and those in a parenting role often feel a greater sense of urgency with this cry. They may scrunch up their faces and pull their legs up if it’s gas pain.
• If infants are scared, their eyes may remain open, their heads may move backward, they may have a penetrating look and an explosive cry, and they might suddenly extend their legs, arch their back, and then curl up again—an involuntary startle response.
• If infants feel angry, their eyes may be half open and half closed, either in no direction or in a fixed location. Their mouth may be open or half-open. Gestures may accompany crying, and they may arch their back to show they are upset. The intensity gradually increases.
• If infants are hungry, they may produce a cry that resembles anger or discomfort, depending on the intensity. Cries can be short, low-pitched, and rise and fall.
• If infants are tired, they may rub their eyes while they open and close them, pull at their ears, and yawn.

Identifying their cries and physical cues can help you respond to their needs. For example, if an infant is uncomfortable, respond by loosening or changing clothing, swaddling, or changing their position to see if it helps soothe them.

If your response to your infant’s cues doesn’t help, that’s okay. Test another response and see if it helps to soothe. It takes time to learn what your infant is communicating with you. As you practice, you’ll get better at recognizing their communication style. They will feel a greater sense of your understanding and responsiveness, so your interactions will become more two-way instead of one-way.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding an infant’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your infant’s resilience. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your infant’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your infant is going through.³

• 0-3-month-olds respond to their parent’s voice by turning their head, becoming quiet, or smiling. They make eye contact and cry differently depending on the situation. They coo and enjoy playful facial interaction with others. They also can be comforted by a parent’s touch or cuddling.
• 4-6-month-olds listen and respond when spoken to and make consonant sounds through babbling to gain attention. They make different sounds to express feelings and enjoy playful interactions like peek-a-boo. They raise their arms to be picked up.
• 7-9-month-olds use sounds and syllables in babbling to communicate and gain attention. They recognize their name and turn to objects and people when mentioned. They participate in two-way communication, can follow simple directions when paired with physical gestures, and offer simple nonverbal cues like head shaking to indicate “no.”
• 10-12-month-olds who use “Mama” or “Dada” can follow simple directions and say one or two words with complete sentences of imitation babbling. They understand “no” and use their hands to communicate needs. They point to objects of interest and explore when placed on the floor.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your infant for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Use your tone of voice and facial expression to help your infant celebrate when they have overcome a change, such as a new childcare arrangement, sleeping in a new place, or trying new food.
• Model resilience while interacting with your infant. Modeling resilience can be one of the greatest teaching tools.
  • Share the focus. As you spend time with your infant, follow their lead. As they pick up new toys or explore a different part of the room, notice and name what they are exploring.⁴ Follow your infant’s lead. They likely will signal with a short cry or simply change their attention when they need to shift their focus.
  • Notice gestures and listen for thoughts and feelings. Attempt to figure out what your infant is trying to tell you through their sounds, gestures, and facial expressions.
  • Infants require your attention to thrive. So, why not build a special time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your infant has to tell you? Turn off your phone. Set a timer if needed. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”
• Ensure daily face-to-face interactions. When face-to-face with a parent or someone in a parenting role, infants increase their sense of security and learn about themselves and their feelings. Their numerous minuscule facial muscles change to mimic your own. Research shows that eye contact increases heartbeats in parent and child and helps the infant learn about others’ emotional experiences.⁵
  • Talk up close to your infant. Make a point to get down on their level when they are in a high chair, crib, or stroller. Narrate what’s going on around you or talk about overcoming a challenge.
  • When encountering new people or situations, get on eye level with your infant and introduce them to those new experiences to help them feel safe.
  • Express love up close. Children need to hear they are loved at every age. Start now and get in the habit of assuring your infant they are loved no matter what.
• Hold your infant close regularly. Infants require close contact with their parents and those in a parenting role. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and promotes immunity to disease. Heart rates and feelings sync up when infants are held closely.
  • Rocking in a rocking chair is a soothing way to connect and hold an infant.
  • Baby carriers offer a way to move about with your infant close to your heart.
  • Share the holding. Enlist other trusted family members or friends to share when holding your infant close.

Your daily routines allow you and your infant to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. Practice provides important opportunities to grow resilience as they interact with you and begin to learn how to overcome challenges. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

To build resilience, practicing noticing feelings is important, engaging in just-right-sized challenges (such as when your daily routine gets interrupted) and ensuring trusted adults are always there to help.

Actions

• Your infant will thrive with a predictable daily routine. Calmly managing interruptions to that routine will build resilience. Help your infant learn their daily routine and highlight moments when it will change. “Tomorrow, Grandma is coming!  We will wake up early to meet her at the bus station. It will be dark outside. We will get up early and go.”
• Retell your story of overcoming a change in routine. “Do you remember when grandma came early in the morning, and we woke up when it was still dark outside? Waking up early was different for us, and we did it. And now grandma is here!”
• Narrate your day as you go about your household chores or run errands. This narration fosters a connection with your infant and provides many opportunities to share how to overcome challenges.

At this point, you are laying the foundation for resilience with your infant by modeling resilience in your actions. Now, you can offer continued support and generate excitement and positive feelings.

Actions

• Learn about your infant’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your child’s developmental milestones offers guidance on appropriate challenges.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed that you could nap in a different room. I love seeing that.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your infant is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your infant’s ability to face the unfamiliar. In a gentle, comforting voice, you can say, “You tried something like this before, and it was fun. It’s OK to try this.”
• Actively reflect on how your infant is feeling when approaching challenges. Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your infant gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away. “You seem worried; let me hold you so you feel more confident.” 
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your infant face new challenges. “Would your blanket help you feel better?” Swaddle your infant, or you may use a pacifier to offer comfort.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You took your nap at Auntie’s house—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expec. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.