Disrespect for Your 12-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your child/teen to communicate well, and working with them to transform disrespect is a perfect opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about how you respond when you feel your child/teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. Your child/teen may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your child/teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your child/teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, children/teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their child/teen on positive ways to seek and use power.

Parents or those in a parenting role often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child’s/teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.¹ This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the rules. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching challenging, power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

Why Transform Disrespect?

When your eleven-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your thirteen-year-old intentionally creates a mess when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen regain calm and focus
• a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings
• a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your child/teen

• build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making
• learn independence and self-sufficiency
• grows assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with various relationships

Five Steps for Transforming Disrespect

This five-step process helps you transform disrespect in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

“Too many children who have problems with behavior also have problems with accurately labeling their feelings.” – Maurice Elias

A child’s/teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences. Feelings are not right or wrong, but your child’s/teen’s behaviors in response to their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate.

You can help your child/teen start understanding their feelings by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input:

• Uncovering your child’s/teen’s feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.
• You can better understand why your child/teen behaves a certain way.
• You can begin to teach your child/teen how to understand their feelings, which will help them have more choice over behaviors.
• You can grow their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Children/teens ages 11-14 are still learning to identify and understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on your child’s/teen’s feelings so you can be prepared to help.

• Ask yourself: “Does my child/teen have an unmet need?  Are they hungry or tired?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do.
• Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. An upset parent or those in a parenting role can unwittingly fuel the flames of an angry child/teen, so calming down first is necessary.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling.
  • “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 
  • “I saw your friend leave you after school to hang out with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”
• Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child/teen is communicating.
  • Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is essential for you to check your understanding while teaching children/teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this:
    • Child/teen: “When my brother told me to leave his room, I got so mad that I yelled and called him a name.”
    • Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, when your brother told you he wanted you to leave his bedroom, you responded by yelling an insulting name at him.” 
    • If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect on the implied feeling. Also, you can seek further clarification if needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were mad. Were your feelings hurt too when he told you to leave?”
• Remember, you can empathize and validate your child/teen’s feelings even if you disagree with their behaviors. Empathy does not equal your approval of how your child/teen behaved. Empathy shows your care about understanding your child/teen’s thoughts and feelings. Any conversation on behavior correction will be better heard by your child/teen once they feel heard. Chances are, they don’t feel great about their behavior either.

The fundamental purpose of transforming disrespect is to grow new skills and behaviors to replace behaviors that hurt others and cause disconnection in relationships. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.
Understanding your feelings and behaviors when your child/teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?”
• “How do I respond to my anger?”
• “How do I want my child/teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for your child/teen.

• Eleven-year-olds may push boundaries and argue with you as they assert their independence. They may argue with friends as they worry more about being liked.
• Twelve-year-olds may easily be edgy, moody, or angry as they deal with increased stress from school, friends, and the perceived pressure of acting older.
• Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent. They may feel an even greater sense of peer pressure. Their many physical and mental changes can leave them feeling vulnerable, and may show more challenging emotions as a result.
• Fourteen-year-olds may act like they are invincible and know it “all.” They may get angry if embarrassed or rejected by peers, particularly in front of crushes. Social dynamics are of significant concern.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.² Two specific areas of focus are required to transform disrespect. They are (1) dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and (2) learning to use and share power constructively.

Actions for Dealing With Challenging Feelings

• At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you’re sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas and practice them together, like taking deep breaths, drinking water, walking, or asking for a hug.
• Create a calm-down space. During playtime or time without pressure, design a “safe base” or place where your child/teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. The only way this space serves as a tool for parents or those in a parenting role to promote their child’s/teen’s self-management skills is if they allow a child/teen to self-select the calm down space. You can and should practice using it and gently remind them of it when they are upset. “Would your calm down space help you feel better?” you might ask. Don’t use that space as a punishment or a directive.
• Work on your family’s feelings vocabulary. Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning about identifying their feelings, especially when there is a problematic range or mix of emotions. Use feeling words for yourself and others in your family regularly. Do feelings check-ins when your family is together. Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions. Remember to recognize positive emotions as well!
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Actions for Using Power Constructively

• Model words and actions that are respectful to them and others. Your child’s/teen’s first teacher of social and emotional skills is your modeling of behaviors.
• Teach your child/teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.
• Teach your child/teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children/teens about managing anger and responding to others respectfully is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But it’s that next step that matters in repairing the relationship. Children/Teens will need your guidance and support in following through to mend broken things or relationships.
• End the day with love. If a child/teen has acted disrespectfully during the day, they may end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children/Teens tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child/teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs the new action.

Actions

• Accept feelings. If you will help your child/teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings — even ones you don’t like. When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. Would quiet time in your calm-down space help you feel safe and supported?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. Say, “Show me how you can make a good choice when approaching your sister.” This practice will remind your child/teen to use their power wisely if tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.
• Offer limited and authentic choices. Even if small, offering them an option—“Do you want to do your homework sitting at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”—can restore a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you used our ‘code red’ signal. It worked! That’s excellent!”
• Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child/teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you to be by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.
• Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were your highs and lows of the day?” This question allows your child/teen to share their difficult moments and bright spots with you. You should answer the questions as well. Children/Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day (and may get plenty of negative messaging through social media or peer critics). Yet, grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being. They realize they are not powerless but quite powerful.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies and practiced them together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support when they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You have a lot of work left to do today on your project. Do you remember what you can do if you start feeling frustrated?”
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger.
• Foster friendships. Close friends can be an invaluable source of empathy and support for your child/teen. They also offer an opportunity to practice sharing power, negotiate roles, and work through conflict.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.
• Reflect on the real-world natural consequences of disrespectful behaviors. Discuss what choices people have instead that show respect and do no harm.

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Children/Teens ages 11-14 will likely not do it right the first time (or even the second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you transform disrespectful words and actions by understanding feelings, teaching new healthy coping strategies and ways of managing complicated feelings, and practicing sharing power and taking responsibility while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship. Your trusting relationship with your child/teen is what is most important.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s//teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You talked respectfully to your teacher—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed that you responded to your dad respectfully when he asked you to do your homework. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to have a cup of hot chocolate.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Through this tool, children/teens can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.