Lying for Your 13-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Trust is foundational for healthy relationships. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your thirteen-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and understand how to promote trust in your child/teen.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s/teen’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a normal part of child development. Children/Teens can begin to lie and understand deception as early as preschool to cover up actions that they know are against the rules. A complete understanding of lying and its consequences continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence as part of their cognitive and moral development.

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of understanding and making predictions about others’ thoughts and feelings. As they do, they also may seek to hide the truth, particularly if they fear harsh judgment from respected adults or peers. They are also testing boundaries and taking more risks socially and academically. Their risk-taking can often lead to mistakes, misbehaviors, or even failure.

Often, lies relate to challenges with impulse control. For example, an eleven-year-old might think, “I wish I had more friends and was popular. If I tell those kids I have the most expensive gaming system, they may think I’m cool and invite me to hang out with them.” Though younger children cannot distinguish between the subtleties of deception, those eleven and older can understand the differences between honest mistakes, guesses, exaggerations, sarcasm, and irony.

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children/teens who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child/teen learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old lying about eating the lunch you packed them for school, your twelve-year-old lying about failing a test, or your fourteen-year-old telling you a friend’s parents are home supervising them when they aren’t, your child’s/teen’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies.

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment
• trust in each other
• a sense of well-being for a parent and teen
• added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• builds skills in self-awareness
• builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion
• builds skills in self-control
• develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Child/Teen About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your child/teen about honesty. It also builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth
• can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship
• can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)
• will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

• • Ask questions and listen carefully to your child’s/teen’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include:
    • “Who do you trust and why?” 
    • “What’s important to you about honesty?”
    • “Have you ever been lied to? How did it feel?”
    • “When are you tempted to lie?”
    • “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults. It’s no wonder children/teens have difficulties figuring out when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their child/teen.¹

• • • Eleven-year-olds can be more impulsive, so they may speak before thinking through what they will say. Lies might be blurted out with little thought, either trying to impress friends and fit in or attempting to cover up mistakes with parents. They can be defensive about their mistakes and more sensitive. They desire testing limits and may do so more at home than in school.
    • Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence in sharing ideas and opinions with peers and adults. They need adults to listen well and provide support as they consider serious issues such as drugs or alcohol. Lying can occur at this point about higher risk issues, so building trust with this age group is key.
    • Thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive to peer pressure and may exert it on others. Lying can enter discussions about peers with other friends. They may experience more moodiness as they attempt to establish greater independence.
    • Fourteen-year-olds may act like they “know it all” and could lie to cover up that they do not. They are searching for more independence and may be distancing themselves from their parents more. But, they tend to be more willing to admit mistakes and more invested in understanding the bigger world.

In addition to understanding the developmental milestones your child/teen is going through, it can also be helpful to consider where they are challenged with honesty. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my child/teen lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your child/teen learn.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• • • Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you are thinking when expressing how you feel since this is an area where adults tend not to share their honest feelings fully. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then share what the truth for you is. This shows your child/teen the contrast and makes your own internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”
    • Teach your child/teen to take a breath before answering a question. This will give your child/teen a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them the opportunity to share a more honest response.
    • Ask the right questions to help your child/teen succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”
    • Catch your child/teen telling you the truth, particularly when difficult for them. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”
    • Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your child/teen understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about whose house they are going to today, you will not trust them about where they are going when they are older.
    • Take time to examine how you feel when your child/teen lies. Many parents value honesty and may worry that lies in childhood will equate to dishonest characteristics in their child/teen. While it is important to teach honesty, it is essential to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for a child/teen to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your child/teen do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard.
    • Learn about moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in your children/teens, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”² These three stages can help you understand and empathize with your child’s/teen’s point of view and help you set goals for guiding them forward.
      • Selfish
        • Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children/teens to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.
        • In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a child/teen remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.
      • Social
        • In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established. Awareness of others surrounding the individual and their impact on others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt.
        • Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth and from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting oneself or others.
      • Principled
        • Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the following actions are rare, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with children/teens.
        • As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person.
    • Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Children/Teens are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your child/teen breaks a rule, consider the question: “What positive behavior can I teach my child/teen to replace what I’ve told them not to do?”
    • The following simple process, interactive modeling, can be used by teachers to become a powerful teaching tool for parents.³
      • Say what you will model and why.
      • Model the behavior.
      • Ask your child/teen what they noticed.
      • Invite your child/teen to model.
      • Ask what they noticed with their modeling.
      • Practice together.
      • Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.
      • Share your family values and need for trust.
    • At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in a safety or other important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Practice can be cooperatively working together or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is more than just nice. It’s necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time they perform the new action.

Actions

• • • Use “I’d love to hear…” statements. You may want to offer your child/teen practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice misbehavior, before your child/teen can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “I imagine that part of you wants to lie right now, so I’d love to hear how you take responsibility for this so we can both learn.”
    • Follow up when your child/teen makes mistakes, helping them repair harm. If they know there are action steps they can take to make things better after a poor choice, they are far less likely to feel the need to lie.
    • Find small opportunities to help your child/teen mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child/teen about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child/teen to supply answers. Support and guide them in following through on selecting one and doing it. Your follow-through will help your child/teen follow through while internalizing a critical lesson.
    • Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” like, “I notice you told me you broke the plate even though you were worried about how I would react—I appreciate your honesty!”
    • Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. If your child/teen lies about taking an extra piece of candy, talk about it and, better yet, show the logical consequences. For example, if they lie about taking a piece of candy, the logical consequence could be that they do not get any more sugary treats for the day.
    • Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.
    • Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a child/teen is tempted to lie. Just before they do, you may whisper in their ear, “Remember to tell the truth even when you make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some strategies for telling the truth and understanding why lying is harmful. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• • • Ask key questions before jumping to responses or decisions for action. Parents and those in a parenting role are often in a position where they have to direct their child’s/teen’s actions, but jumping in and directing their actions can become the default if you are not careful. Look for chances to ask questions before stepping in with directives. Good questions promote thinking and help children/teens internalize the evaluative process of responsible decision-making—thinking through the action to the consequence before they act.
      • “How do you feel about making that decision? 
      • What does your heart or inner voice tell you?”
      • “What are some options if you break a rule?”
    • Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present different social challenges. Being informed about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
    • Reflect on outcomes and past experiences with honesty. For example, “Remember when you forgot to take the dog for a walk? You said you were sorry and immediately took the dog out. It was all okay, and we appreciated your honesty.” 
    • Stay engaged. Working together on ways to respond to mistakes and poor choices can help offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.
    • Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.
    • Apply logical consequences when needed
      . Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a result is about supporting the learning process. First, stop and think about your feelings. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can also provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You told the truth even though it was difficult — I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you are honest all day, you will get a reward.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. For example, “If you tell the truth, you can play a video game after dinner.” While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• • • Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice.
    • Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
    • Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Through this tool, children/teens can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.