Establishing Rules About Cannabis for Your 15-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and creating rules about cannabis helps establish the supportive conditions necessary for your teen to deal with risk.





In the United States, rates of cannabis* use among high school students have remained unchanged, with about one in five students having consumed cannabis in the past month.¹ Cannabis use by youth has been linked to adverse mental health effects, including depression.² Teens and emerging young adults, ages 15-19, will be introduced to greater risk-taking opportunities, whether that involves alcohol, drugs, or risky sexual behaviors.

Parents can face challenges in establishing rules about cannabis. “Why can’t I go to the (unsupervised) party?” you may hear from your teen. As teens are increasingly influenced by their peers, conflicts can occur when they are eager to do what friends do, regardless of the risks involved. Your teen needs your involvement in establishing clear boundaries and providing monitoring and support to navigate peer pressure successfully.

A parent/caregiver’s role is to provide information and skills for our teens to make good choices.  The overall goal is to delay the use of any substances by our teens as long as possible so that the growing adolescent brain and body are not negatively impacted.

The key to many parenting challenges, like establishing rules about cannabis, is finding ways to communicate so that both your needs and your teen’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

*Cannabis is also called pot, weed, or marijuana.

Why Rules About Cannabis?

Whether it’s arguing with your sixteen-year-old over attending their friend’s unsupervised party or your nineteen-year-old coming home with the smell of cannabis on their clothes, establishing clear rules about cannabis can help your family prepare for dealing with challenges cooperatively while growing essential skills in your teen.

Today, in the short term, establishing rules about cannabis can

• provide an opportunity for you to teach your teen the science about how cannabis and other substances impact the growing adolescent brain
• help to manage your stress through your teen’s many changes
• help your teen better manage the stress that comes with this age
• cultivate a more trusting relationship, and
• help you feel confident that you’ve prepared your teen to stay safe

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

• grows their capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships that will serve them for a lifetime
• strengthens their self-control and
• cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being

Five Steps for Establishing Rules About Cannabis

This five-step process helps you and your teen establish rules about cannabis. It also grows important skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your teen thinking about establishing rules about cannabis by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to friends and peer pressure so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for following the rules established)
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day and
• will grow problem-solving skills

Actions

• Pick a time when you are enjoying spending time together. Riding in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure) since your teen will feel less “on the spot” because you are not looking directly at them. You might ask:
  • “What are your hopes for your friendships?” Find out what your teen is longing for in their friendships. You may learn a lot about what motivates them. Then, when you discuss their friends, you know exactly what their aspirations are for their friendships, and you can help them work toward those healthy goals.
  • “What are you and your friends most interested in trying that’s new and different?” Listen to your teen’s interests and ideas for trying out healthy risks like entering an art contest or climbing a rock wall. If you observe your teen taking a new interest, create opportunities to experience those risks safely.
  • “Where do you like to hang out with your friends?” Listen to where your teen likes to see friends. Are there places to hang out socially that are desirable for your teen and their friends? Are they in supervised or public locations? Teens need spaces and places to be social because they’ll create them if they don’t have them. Offer opportunities for healthy hangouts.
  • “Does cannabis show up at gatherings with friends, and how do you feel about it?” Because it’s a sensitive issue, just ask but don’t pressure for an answer. Your teen may come back to you at a later moment to discuss. Also, avoid lecturing your teen when they are honest with you.  Lecturing may result in your teen not sharing truthfully in the future for fear of your response.

To start, share information about the harms of cannabis use with your teen. Your teen may be well aware that underage use of cannabis is illegal. Still, they may not know that the laws exist for minors because cannabis impacts the growing adolescent brain differently and is more harmful to teens than it is to adults.

Knowing what the laws are can help provide a starting point for discussion. Laws are rules society agrees are the basics for civility and health. They still need to provide the added values needed to make intelligent choices. For that, families need to discuss the facts and what they believe to be right for their family.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• Learn together. Cannabis impacts a teen’s growing body and brain differently than adults. Talk about the following information.
  • Research has found that childhood and the teenage years are a particularly vulnerable time for brain development, and cannabis use has adverse effects on the brain. Because teens are undergoing a major brain reconstruction from learning from play to the more logical thinking required of the adult years, these changes paired with cannabis use can get in the way of normal brain development.
  • Cannabis use has been linked to other substance use and the development of substance use disorders.³
• Discuss values for family health and healthy development. Consider discussing the following questions:
  • “How do we keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?”
  • “How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?”
  • “Do you take medication? For what and why?” 
  • “What are the many substances that alter your body and brain?” 
  • “How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?”
• Considering your teen’s hopes for their friendships and the impact of cannabis on healthy development, engage your teen in a discussion about setting up rules about cannabis. You could ask, “What might be some helpful rules we can stick to as a family?” Examples could include:
  • Family members will share an address or specific location where each person will be every time they go out for the evening.
  • Go to all evening functions with a buddy for safety.
  • Always have an escape/excuse plan (with your buddy and with your parents) ready if cannabis, alcohol, or other substances are present.
  • If called or texted for a ride, parents will appreciate the chance to offer a safe ride and provide that ride without asking questions or issuing consequences.
• Change the conversation when your young adult turns 21. If you have a 21-year-old, change the conversation to focus on choices about the healthy and safe use and non-use of cannabis. The quick facts above are still important. But, now consider, “How will our rules and guidelines change, and what needs to remain the same?” For 21-year-olds living at home, leaving their location where they’ll be, having an exit plan with a friend, and communicating when they’ll come home all still apply. As you discuss facts, values, and social engagements, discuss how you (as an adult) ease out of social pressures when you don’t want to use cannabis. Also, discuss moderation and review that driving is unsafe after using.

Your family and teen’s social life can offer regular opportunities for your teen to practice new skills and try out your family guidelines if you seize those chances. With practice, your teen will improve as you allow them to support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen tries out the rules and plans you have created together.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully, which includes standing up to peer pressure. This leads to confidence.

Actions

• Try out the new rules before your teen experiences peer pressure and is in a high-stakes setting. For example, if your guideline is that family members leave an address or specific location where they will be each time they go out for the evening, then create a system where you’ll always leave this information.
• Discuss the role of a safety buddy with your teen and help them identify which friends they could count on to be a safety buddy. Over pizza, chat about what kind of plan they could establish if they want to leave a party or an uncomfortable situation.
• Co-create a plan. Talk non-judgmentally (no blaming or naming) about your teen’s choices for leaving an unhealthy situation. Review and roleplay using refusal skills to say “no” to alcohol and drugs while still maintaining friendships.  You could ask:
  • “If you feel pressured and need to get out, what truthful excuses can we come up with to leave the situation?”
• Initiate the no-risk pick-up. Drive friends to hang out at the mall or movies. Assure your teen you’ll pick up with no lectures if they are uncomfortable or there’s been cannabis or drinking.
  • “What code can we establish (use your cell phones) so I know to pick you up immediately, no questions asked?”

At this point, you’ve taught your teen about cannabis and established rules, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how these play out in social situations. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, following through with logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to check-in. “How are the rules we’ve established? Are they reasonable to you? Are the plans we set up, like your safety buddy, working out so far?”
• Monitor their activities. Before they go out, be sure you know where they are going, who they’ll be with, and how they are getting there. Verify when they’ll be home. Offer the ride home. And when they get home, be there to greet, hug, and discreetly check their breath.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you called me when you were uncomfortable. That’s taking responsibility!”
• Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and offer support.
• Engage in further practice. If your teen shares challenges, explore how you can create additional plans to help them feel supported.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions,  you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 about the rules your family agreed upon. Third, if you feel your teen is not meeting these expectations (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed you decided to leave the party when others showed up who had been using cannabis. That’s taking responsibility!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgments such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like  “If you follow our plan and come home on time, you will get to stay up 30 minutes later than usual”.  (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent is in the middle of a crisis  (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement you see and value your teen’s choice. For example, a specific call-out is needed when your teen is practicing safety in social situations: “I noticed you designated a safety buddy and got home on time. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your teen arranging their safety buddy independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after your teen has a safe outing with friends and follows your family plan, invite their friends over for a game night at your house. Or, after your teen shares important information about how things have been going with friends, enjoy some hot chocolate together while you talk.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and grows important skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.