Now Is the Right Time!
Sixteen-year-olds are working on comprehending what it means to act responsibly. They are:
- working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings and situations.
- growing their independence.
- increasingly caring for their bodies (eating right, exercising).
- growing and caring for their relationships (managing their impulses and feelings, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises).
- balancing homework and extracurriculars.
- contributing to their household (completing chores, cooperating with rules and expectations).
Teens ages 15-19 are working on understanding their emerging adult identity and what it means to act responsibly. They are also asking questions about their future. Will they go to college? Will they get a job? Will they commit to a relationship? They will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules as they develop. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.
As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in teaching your teen to act responsibly. Making responsible decisions can involve identifying problems, analyzing situations, solving problems, evaluating, reflecting, and considering the ethical implications or consequences of choices.
Acting responsibly is one of the most essential skills your teen can learn from you. Research confirms that teens are developing cause-and-effect thinking.1 This directly impacts their capacity to take responsibility for their actions. Once they understand how their actions and decisions affect themselves and those around them, they will approach even the most minor things they do in their day with a sense of responsibility and pride. Such an important skill takes a lot of planning and practice for a parent or those in a parenting role to teach and many opportunities for a teen to try out and redo before it is mastered.
As you utilize teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills, your relationship with them will be enriched, and they’ll advance in their ability to make responsible decisions. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.
Why Responsibility?
Whether you are reviewing household chores with your fifteen-year-old, your seventeen-year-old attempts to hide a poor grade, or your nineteen-year-old accidentally breaks something at a part-time job; these situations are all opportunities to teach responsibility.
Today, in the short term, teaching responsibility can create
- a sense of confidence that you can help your teen make healthy, contributing choices, heal hurt relationships, and make up for mistakes;
- a greater understanding by your teen of the connection between their actions and the impact on themselves and others and
- trust that your teen is growing their ability to make good choices.
Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching responsibility helps your teen
- build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making;
- learn independence and self-sufficiency, and
- build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure.
Five Steps for Growing Responsibility
This five-step process helps you guide your teen to make responsible decisions. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush.
Step 1 Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
You can get your teen thinking about responsibility by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to their daily responsibilities so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen
- has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and a sense of ownership);
- has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
- will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day and
- will grow problem-solving skills.
Actions
Consider the daily responsibilities that may be appropriate for your teen to take care of themselves, their possessions, and their relationships at their stage. You could ask them:
- “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of yourself?” (exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, time for yourself, manage stress)
- “How’s that going?”
- “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
- “What can I do to help you?”
- “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your possessions?” (pets, clothes, vehicle, bedroom)
- “How’s that going?”
- “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
- “What can I do to help you?”
- “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your relationships?” (spending time with friends, connecting with family)
- “How’s that going?”
- “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
- “What can I do to help you?” (give a ride, reminders)
Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what is most concerning to your teen without assuming your teen shares your same thoughts, concerns, and feelings.
Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation or lecture. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the teen uncover feelings.
The fundamental purpose of teaching responsibility is to grow the skills of taking responsibility through constructive actions such as making healthy choices, caring for their environment and possessions, caring for their relationships, and repairing harm. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.
Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for them and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.
- Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. In their push for greater independence, they continue to require guidance, rules, and boundaries from adults. Still, they may test those rules or intentionally break them as they experiment with their limits and growing identity, which can lead to intentionally or unintentionally causing harm.
- Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school and, along with them, stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep can hinder their ability to manage themselves and their relationships.
- Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.
- Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Though they may face conflict with you as you renegotiate your relationship with an adult son or daughter, they’ll also face internal conflicts, wanting to rely on you while needing their independence.
It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.2 This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences when expectations are unmet.
Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to scold a teen who has made a poor choice, inducing a feeling of shame. Instead, you want teens to feel empowered to take steps toward making something better. Remember that they can be their worst critics and may already have intense messages of failure generated in their self-talk. Use a tone that sends a message of support for guiding them toward a better decision.
Actions
- Model responsibility for your teen. Find chances during your routine at home where you can model responsibility. You could say, “I promised to make cookies for the bake sale at school. It is my responsibility to get them there on time.”
- Call out responsibility when you see it — whether it involves an action your teen has taken, another family member, or a neighbor. Teens need lots of opportunities to become aware of how responsibility is demonstrated.
- Brainstorm ways you can take responsibility together. Generating ideas can add to your teen’s confidence to make constructive choices. For example, you could say, “Our neighbor just had surgery. What are some ideas you can think of to help them out?”
- Normalize conversations about feelings in family life. Teens ages 15-19 may not eagerly share their feelings, but they are still learning to identify their more complex and difficult feelings. Notice and name feelings when a family member is showing an expression. Ask, don’t tell. “You look sad. Is that right?” Sharing feelings honestly is the first step in successfully managing feelings and acting responsibly.
- Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). “I-messages” help communicate the problem constructively.
- Teach your teen how to repair harm. When they damage or break an object or hurt a sibling’s feelings, ask them what ideas they have to repair the object and help heal the relationship. This could include apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other person, writing a note, or offering a hug.
Tip: When reflecting on your teen’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. You might ask about other layers after discovering why your teen was angry. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps they feel embarrassed? Entirely unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your teen feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware.
Tip: Create a ritual of sharing words of love and care at bedtime. Ending the day reflecting on how much you appreciate one another could be the best way to send your teen off to sleep. Teens need more rest, but worries about their social pressures can get in the way. Your love at bedtime will support them through this.
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your daily routines allow your teen to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.
Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence and grows their ability to make constructive choices. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.
Actions
- Allow your teen opportunities to take responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster or better. For example, if your teen gets easily frustrated when trying to organize the details for a get-together with their friends, try to gently suggest that they get a headstart on planning or share some tips for communicating best. Providing the extra lead time will allow your teen to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to take care of the coordinating for them.
- Proactively remind. Before going out with friends, you might say, “Remember, as you are going out tonight, you need to check in with me once you get to the movie theater and be home by the curfew we agreed upon?”
- Offer limited and authentic choices. Offer them a choice, even if small — “Will you talk to her directly or write her a note?” This can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
- Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you take responsibility and heal the relationship.”
- Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need your constant support through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
- Include reflection on the day in your dinnertime routine. You might ask, “What happened today that made you happy?” or “What were the best moments in your day?” You should answer the questions as well. Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day, yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being.
Step 4 Support Your Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve taught your teen some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.
Actions
- Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “I know you have a big day planned, and I noticed you took care of yourself by going to bed at 10 instead of staying up late to finish the movie. How are you feeling?”
- Learn about development. Each new age will present differing challenges. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
- Promote an “I can” belief. Teens need to hear that you believe in their ability to take responsibility for their nighttime routine, turn their homework assignments in on time, or work to repair a friend’s hurt feelings. Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to take responsibility for their actions.
- Foster friendships. Close friends can be an invaluable source of empathy and support for your teen. Reserve judgment and coach toward making amends when conflicts arise. Be sure that your teen, not you, communicates with their friends since they need to take direct responsibility for their relationships.
- Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different healthy coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your teen.
- Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm.
- First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your feelings, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior.
- Second, invite your teen to reflect on the expectations established in Step 2.
- Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Consider the following questions before deciding: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place, such as a friend turning away, a broken device, or a failed grade? Sometimes, the natural consequence is more than enough, and you don’t need to impose yet another. (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?
Learning to take responsibility after making a poor choice takes time. Teens ages 15-19 may need your ideas, support, and guidance several times since each situation will be unique. That’s okay. What’s important is that you work to understand their feelings, teach new behaviors, and practice while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with them. Your relationship with your teen is what is most important.
No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You fed the dog all week without being asked. I appreciate that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you complete your chores this morning, you will be able to invite a friend over this afternoon” (if you XX, then I’ll XX). It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s intrinsic motivation.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen stops arguing and leaves the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to use bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents and those in a parenting role find themselves resorting to a bribe frequently, it is likely time to revisit the 5-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering to stop for a snack if a teen quits arguing and leaves a social event may teach the teen that future arguments lead to additional snacks.
Actions
- Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when your teen completes their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
- Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like the entire chore routine to go smoothly – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
- Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after your teen comes home at the agreed-upon time, relax together and listen to some music. Or, once ready for school in the morning, leave a special note and snack in their backpack.
Closing
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and builds essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.
