Conflict for Your 17-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your teen’s development and success. There are intentional ways to nurture a healthy parent-teen relationship, and growing your teen’s skills to manage conflict provides a worthwhile opportunity.

Conflict happens in families between spouses, among siblings, and between parents or those in a parenting role, and teens. Arguing in family life is typical and expected. How you argue and work through problems together can grow your teen’s life skills so they are ready to grow and sustain healthy relationships beyond your family life. To thrive, teens and emerging adults ages 15-19 must practice and grow their listening, empathy, communication, and problem-solving skills. They must stop and calm down before saying or acting in harmful ways. And they’ll have to learn to reflect on poor choices and take responsibility for their actions. If they cause harm, you will need to guide them to a better decision so that they learn how to mend physical or emotional damage done.

Everyone faces challenges in managing conflict. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your teen may exclaim in embarrassment and frustration after lying about attending an unsupervised party. As teens develop, they must test their limits and the rules to internalize them. This can lead to challenges. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your teen work through conflict in ways that grow their skills.

Why Conflict?

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old yelling at a younger brother in frustration, your seventeen-year-old refusing to get ready for a family event, or your nineteen-year-old arguing over hangout plans with a lifelong friend, establishing regular and healthy ways of working through conflict that isn’t harmful to themself or others is essential as your teen learns to grow healthy relationships. This includes teaching your teen vital skills that grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to manage conflict in healthy ways can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other that you both have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities, and
• a sense of well-being for a parent or those in a parenting role and teen with the motivation to engage and work hard.

Tomorrow, in the long term, teach your teen the skills to manage conflict

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps For Managing Conflict

This five-step process helps you and your teen manage conflict. It also develops important critical life skills in your teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your teen thinking about managing conflict by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow self-control, empathy, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what challenges your teen in their ability to manage conflict in healthy ways. For example, if your teen is hurt or feeling rejected, it’s a normal reflex for them to lash out with hurtful words in self-protection. Begin by considering the following:

• Ask how your teen feels when arguing with a family member or friend.
• “What are some words when you think of conflict?”
• “What makes you upset or mad at a friend or a relative?”
• “What feelings do you experience?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.) If your teen is having trouble, you could help them by saying, “Maybe you felt mad? Frustrated? Sad?”
• “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how your teen experiences being upset physically, whether it’s a red, hot face or a racing heartbeat.) You can also use your experience to help your child be curious about how their body responds when upset. You may say, “I notice when I am upset, sometimes my stomach hurts, and other times I get real warm in my chest and face.”
• “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel? How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm others?”
• “What is the difference between impact and intention?”
• “What are examples of negative impacts you have had on others that maybe you didn’t mean?”
• “How might you have engaged differently to reduce the negative impact?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your teen is learning to be in healthy relationships, including how to argue fairly. Because of your teen’s learning and development, they will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your teen is experiencing and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

• Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. Conflict may arise if teens fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers.
• Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school and, along with them, stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways.
• Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.
• Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while others may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Conflict may arise as you renegotiate your relationship with them.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• Teach constructive conflict management to your teen using the following model:
• Step 1 – Stop. This is the most crucial step and requires them to pause. Explain to your teen that when in a conflict, it is easy for the reactive/emotional part of the brain to take over. Unfortunately, this might result in saying unkind things and doing things they regret. To get the thinking brain connected, it is important to pause. There are many ways to pause, including taking a breath, visualizing a stop sign, or simply imagining hitting a pause button.
• Step 2 – Check in. The second step has three parts and requires them to check in with their body, feelings, and needs. The following questions will help:
• “What sensations do you feel in your body?” (heart racing, palms sweaty)
• “What are you feeling?” (angry, hurt)
• “What do you need?” (to be heard, to feel like my opinion matters)
• Step 3 – Communicate. Encourage your teen to communicate the feelings, needs, and requests, which might sound like: “I feel upset, and I need my opinion to matter. Could you listen to me first without interrupting?”
• Teach your teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching teens about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they are part of the conflict/cause. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship.
• You are modeling and teaching your teen vital lessons on repair when you make amends with your teen after making mistakes. All parents or those in a parenting role have moments when they don’t feel proud of their behavior toward their teens. Use these moments to take responsibility and repair. You may say, “I’m sorry I ______. I had some stressful things happen at work, but that doesn’t make it okay for me to yell at you.” Some parents may worry that apologizing reduces their authority – it does not. Instead, you are modeling how to repair a relationship when one person hurts another and creating a stronger bond with your teen; both help to set them up for healthy relationships today and in the future.

Daily disagreements allow your teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen works hard to constructively manage their feelings, words, and choices.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to develop consequential thinking or the ability to think ahead to the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those reflections.

Actions

• Allow your teen the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their relationships — even when you know you could do it faster and better. For example, take the time to allow your teen to think of ways to repair harm rather than telling them to apologize.
• Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success, like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking so your teen learns to become their best problem solver.
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need your support through this process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
  • Start with asking your teen questions. First, help them consider how their actions impacted others. You might ask, “How do you think that impacted your brother when you yelled at him?” And then help your teen brainstorm how to repair harm. You might ask, “How do you want to repair the harm?” Ideas may include apologizing or spending quality time with the sibling engaged in an activity or an outing.
  • Resist forcing your teen to apologize. Forcing a teen to apologize teaches your teen a memorized response. An apology may make you feel better, but it does not teach your teen to accept responsibility for their actions or to begin to understand another’s feelings.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid offering direct solutions, going directly to the other in the conflict, or solving a problem for your teen.

At this point, you’ve taught your teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts) and helping them grow in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your teen may need active support. Use “I’d love to see…” statements and ask them to demonstrate how they can work to resolve a problem. When teens learn a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “I’d love to see how you work out this conflict with your sister.”
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you talked to your sister about how you were feeling and then worked with her to agree. That’s excellent!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your teen is frustrated or irritable, proactively remind them that their power lies in their ability to pause before reacting. This might sound like, “Yesterday, when you stopped and took a breath before reacting to your sister, you could stay in control and get the desired outcome. It may not feel like that today, but that ability is still in you.”
• Actively reflect on how your teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
  • “How are you feeling about hanging out with your friends?” This may give you insight into your teen’s social challenges.
  • “Seems like you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend. Have you talked to him yet? What options do you think you have?”
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for managing conflict. Third, if you feel your teen is not meeting these expectations (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You took a deep breath when you got upset — that is a great idea!” Recognition can include nonverbal cues such as a hug, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you work as a team with your sister to complete your chores, you will get to hang out with your friends for an extra hour.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen stops arguing and leaves the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when teens show signs they’re using skills you’ve been working on, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you asked your friend about how they are feeling. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your teen using calm down strategies during every conflict – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after your teen calmly resolves a conflict with a friend, invite the friend for pizza. Or, after everyone is ready for school in the morning without disputes, take a few minutes to listen to a favorite song together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role to use on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your young adult. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.