Mixed Messages About Alcohol for Your 18-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Now is the right time to become more fully aware of your teen’s challenges regarding alcohol and how you can equip them for success.

Alcohol is the most commonly used and abused substance among youth. Underage drinking contributes to problems at schools, violence, sexual assaults, and may lead to other drug use.¹

The good news is that rates of alcohol use among high school students are going down across the United States. Underage drinking remains a temptation for teens and, if abused, can have a major impact on their brain development.² Teens, as their bodies and brains prepare for adulthood, require risk-taking to exercise their responsible decision-making abilities. This is the age in which they will be introduced to greater risk-taking opportunities, whether involving alcohol, drugs, or risky sexual behaviors.

Teens ages 15-19 also gain a more profound social awareness to begin to see from the perspective of their peers. This newfound empathy can create social anxiety as your teen may make incorrect assumptions about peers’ impressions of them, adding to a heightened sensitivity. They may feel like they are being judged by classmates regularly. Their need to belong becomes even greater as they assert their independence. These challenges arise as a normal part of your teen’s development.

Yet, during these years, the uncertainty and awkwardness of puberty are ending, and with that comes a newfound confidence. They desire adult leadership roles and look to mentors or more competent adults for approval as they make choices to grow their independent decision-making skills. These developmental themes can support parents’ or those in a parenting role efforts as they prepare their teens for making healthy choices regarding alcohol.

Teens who feel a sense of love and connection with family and friends are far more likely to resist peer pressure and successfully navigate the challenges of the teen years. The steps below will prepare you to help grow your teen’s skills to be prepared to make healthy choices about alcohol use.

Why Mixed Messages About Alcohol?

Teens receive numerous mixed messages about alcohol consumption and its place in their lives and their communities. They may see commercials or alcohol products in a glamorous context on television shows. They may encounter drunk adults at weddings, festivals, or concerts. Perhaps teens in these encounters view those others as having fun, or maybe they view them as scary and out-of-control. These outside messages, though they have an impact, are not as critical as the messages that you and your immediate family and friends send to your teens through your actions about alcohol. And it’s never too late to become more fully aware of the messages your teen is receiving, their impacts, and how you can shape the messages you send going forward to promote healthy choices.

Today, in the short term, promoting healthy choices about alcohol can

• help you better understand what your teen is learning about alcohol and whether the messages they are receiving are desirable or need to change
• strengthen communications between family members about the role of alcohol
• help your teen make healthy choices and responsible decisions, and
• help you feel confident that you’ve prepared your teen to make healthy choices

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

• grows capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships
• cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being
• feels more competent in making responsible, well-informed decisions
• exercises greater self-control
• makes more conscious choices about their behaviors and
• feels a greater sense of trust and support from you

Five Steps for Promoting Healthy Choices

This five-step process helps you and your teen learn more about alcohol use and how you can promote healthy choices while preventing peer pressure that leads to alcohol use. It also grows essential skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your teen thinking about healthy choices about alcohol by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

• can think through and problem-solve any peer pressure they might experience related to alcohol use
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)
• will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

• Ask open-ended questions. Pick a time when you enjoy being together or when all is calm and relaxed. Driving in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure) since your teen will feel less “on the spot” because you are not looking directly at them. You might ask:
  • “What have you noticed about how we use alcohol in our family?”
  • “What are some of the mixed messages you hear about alcohol?”
  • “What are some mixed messages you receive about alcohol in our family?”
• As your teen attempts to assert their independence while still dependent on your household, the paradox can be frustrating and confusing for parents or those in a parenting role and teens. Seeking their input is critical because it offers valuable practice in thinking through decisions they might approach when they are on their own.

Though your teen has likely been exposed to adults drinking throughout childhood, you may or may not have had specific conversations about the role of alcohol. The first impressions about alcohol your teen may have formed could have come from some experiences watching adults. Because alcohol is present in daily life and at celebratory events, it can be challenging to figure out what lessons your teen has learned from that modeling. Yet modeling through your actions is the greatest teacher.

Actions

• Examine family messages around the role of alcohol and think about what they’re teaching your teen. Some questions you can ask yourself include:
  • Is drinking alcohol a part of your daily life? Weekly lives? When is alcohol present when your teen is around?
  • Is alcohol consumed in moderation typically? Or do individuals drink to the point of intoxication (more than 1-2 drinks)?
  • Do teens sip or have a taste of alcohol at any events? Or are teens given their alcoholic beverages (under 21) at a certain age?
  • When someone becomes intoxicated, how do other adults react to that person?
    • Are they laughed at?
    • Are they the source of ridicule?
    • Are they a source of shame?
    • Do people reject them?
    • Do they become more popular?
    • How is that person treated?
  • If there are relatives who are dealing with alcohol use disorders like addiction, how does the family treat them? How are they spoken about when they are not around?
  • The answers to these questions formulate the modeling your teens witness and what they are taught about alcohol. Though you may want to have the family value of kindness and loving support, alcohol use and abuse can be a source of shame in many families. Understanding what challenges you face can better position you to teach your teen about alcohol in healthy, constructive ways.
• Talk about your family history with alcohol. Research shows that children of those with an alcohol use disorder are between four and ten times more likely to become alcohol dependent themselves.³ These children are more likely to begin drinking at a younger age and progressively face challenges as they grow.³ If this is true for your family, discussing family history can break that family cycle and teach your teen how to make healthy choices. Though all parents need to prepare their teens with information, coping strategies, and responsible decision-making skills, those families who have close relatives with alcohol use disorders are particularly vulnerable.
• Create empathy and compassion through understanding. Promote empathy and understanding as family members deal with challenges in life. This does not mean supporting the unhealthy behaviors of a family member who has a substance use disorder but communicating to your child/teen that the family member has an illness they must treat, just as you might view a family member dealing with diabetes, asthma, or other chronic diseases. This is a family value worth communicating!
• If your teen asks, tell the truth about your past and current alcohol use. Your teen may be more aware of your drinking behaviors than you realize. Not being open about it can hurt the trust in your relationship. While you don’t need to glorify your drinking behaviors as a teen or young adult, you don’t want to lie or avoid the topic either. You can remind your teen that public health has changed over the years. There are many things known now that were not known then. There have been a lot of efforts to reduce underage drinking because now it is known to be far more harmful than was understood even 20 years ago.
• Explain why you want your teen to abstain from drinking and drug use. Some reasons include the increased risk of experiencing negative consequences, their brain is still developing, alcohol being an addictive substance, and a family history of alcohol or drug problems.
• Invite your teen to ask questions. Talking about your past drinking or drug use behavior or current alcohol or drug use can be a teachable moment. Emphasize what you have learned from your experience and why you have reached the conclusion that it is important for your teen not to drink or use drugs.
• Be clear about your expectations about alcohol and drug use.
• Talk about the feelings someone might have that would cause them to resort to unhealthy means of coping. Ask your teen if they have ever felt that way. Digging a bit into the reasons behind alcohol use and misuse can begin to stir empathy for yourself and your teen. Reassure your teen that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed by your problems at times, and yet using alcohol and other substances does not solve the issue and can instead lead to medical problems. Offer your thoughts on ways you gain a bigger perspective on the world and the possibilities.
• Take the learning further because your teen will need to find new ways to deal with the stress and social pressures they face. These new expectations of who they are and what they “should” do to belong and act adult-like can overwhelm teens. So, this is the perfect time to discuss and brainstorm options for coping strategies. You could ask, “When you are upset, what makes you feel better?” Brainstorm a list together. Write it down.
• Instead of diving into a discussion about alcohol, first, consider questions about health and healthy development.
  • How do you keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?
  • How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?
  • What about the role of medicine? Do you take medication? For what and why? What is your attitude about medicine? When is it important to take it? When do you want to avoid taking it? If you take medication, what side effects have you experienced?
  • What substances alter your body and brain, like coffee, tea, over-the-counter medicine, prescription medicine, alcohol, energy drinks, and others?
  • How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?
  • What do you and/or your partner or other family members believe should be the role of alcohol in family life and with your teen?
  • What do you want your teen to learn?
  • How can you align your actions with those values?
• Create a family ritual of expressing gratitude in your lives. Teens can get caught up in developmentally-normal social anxiety. You can create a balancing force by focusing on what is good, strong, and healthy. Whether you make a habit of sharing grateful thoughts while sitting down to a family meal or keep a running list on your family’s chalkboard, find a way to share specifics on what is positive in your lives, and your teen will start to think in those terms as well. Teens who are more aware of how they belong and are loved in their families belong to a greater friendship group, school environment, and local community. They are more likely to respect rules and boundaries and make healthy choices.
• Set goals to demonstrate values. Draw a metaphorical line in the sand today. This is the first day of teaching your teen about alcohol. Now that you have articulated your family’s hopes and values for what you want to teach your teen, consider what goals you can set for yourself and what goals you can encourage your teen to set to align actions with values.
• Discover opportunities to serve in your local community together. What social issues does your teen care about? Pursue their interest and volunteer your time and energy in your community as a family. Afterward, reflect on the experience. How did your teen uniquely bring their gifts, talents, and sense of kindness and empathy to the task? What did they learn about how other people live and their concerns?

Practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action. Supporting your child’s healthy boundary-setting, empathy, problem-solving, and leadership skills will help to set them up for success in making healthy decisions surrounding alcohol.

Actions

• Take the first small step. If you’ve set a goal to leave unsafe situations, for example, are there events or conditions you know will be challenging? Set your family’s expectations ahead of time. If a wedding is coming up that you know could pose a challenge with drinking relatives, decide ahead of time on a reasonable time to leave together before trouble begins. Find specific ways you and your teen can take small steps to work on the goals you’ve set.
• As peer pressure ramps up, teach your teen refusal skills and have them practice with you so they know how to react if they are offered alcohol, cannabis*, or other substances. An example might be, “If you are at a party and a friend offers you a beer, how would you react?”
• Practice empathy. When your teen comes home with reports of a conflict between friends or a mistake a friend made, talk about that friend’s perspective. You could ask questions like, “Why would she have chosen to be mean to her friend when they’ve been friends since kindergarten?” Usually, misguided behavior is evidence of hurt surfacing or unmet emotional needs. Practice digging for reasons with your teen and showing empathy for the person having a challenging time. Instead of judging, your teen will practice understanding others’ feelings and thoughts better. This can be a significant asset as they navigate challenging social situations.
• When your teen comes to you with a peer pressure challenge, reflect on their feelings. Ask open-ended questions to prompt their thinking. Show your trust and support that they can solve their problems with reflection.
• Tell stories of your or your teen’s ability to empathize and be kind to others. These stories will begin to shape your teen’s identity as one who can empathize and act compassionately no matter the social pressures.
• Encourage leadership. In every group, a leader emerges. And they are typically the individuals who pressure others to do what they want. As you grow your teen’s social and emotional skills – the very ones that are also key leadership skills – they will have an opportunity to influence the decision-making of their friendship group.
  • Your young leader must regularly reflect on their choices since they influence a group. Talk about social situations and opportunities for decisions. Give your teen plenty of chances to decide where they fall on various social issues (exercising their sense of responsibility and right and wrong).

*Cannabis is also called pot, weed, or marijuana

At this point, you’ve learned together about the mixed messages and modeling your teen encounters related to alcohol consumption. You’ve practiced by setting goals and working toward them together while sharing success stories. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. However, the challenge of this age range is that they may initiate a fight if they feel you view them as not fully competent. Ensure you empower them to think through the consequences of their choices. Be there if they need you, but only if they ask for your support.

Actions

• Ask key questions.
  • “How are you feeling about your friends? Do they treat you well? Do they pressure you?”
  • “Are there times when your friends or other classmates want you to do something you don’t want to do?”
• Reflect on outcomes. “Seems like you are worrying about your friends and their impressions of you today. Often, it helps if you talk about it. What’s going on?”
• Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and offer support.
• Use any opportunity to talk about the mixed messages regarding alcohol in society, in the media, or at home.
• Engage in further practice. Talk about times when you don’t want to go with the crowd. Perhaps the school PTA made a decision, and you weren’t supportive. How will you keep your relationships and make responsible decisions for yourself and your family that may not go along with the crowd? Help grow your teen’s leadership and assertive communication skills by discussing when you set healthy boundaries and maintain relationships.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You shared your concerns about the party with your friend. Love seeing that!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you invite a few friends to come to hang out here instead of going to the party, I will provide the pizza, and you can rent a movie.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen stops arguing and leaves the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when teens remember to check in with you, a short, specific call-out is needed: “I noticed that you texted me once you got to your friend’s house to let me know you made it safely. Thank you!”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort – like using self-control- and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after hearing that your teen did the right thing rather than going along with the crowd, stop for a treat on the way home from school to celebrate their positive choices.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows important skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.