Now Is the Right Time!
As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a valuable role in your teen’s success and health. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and helping your teen learn how to handle peer pressure provides a perfect opportunity.
Teens and emerging young adults ages 15-19 are forming their identities, and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. Peers influence what’s acceptable and what’s popular. Peer pressure can make your teen worry about fitting in.
Teens are also gaining a more profound social awareness as they begin to see from the perspective of their peers. This newfound empathy can create social anxiety, and they may make incorrect assumptions about peers’ impressions of them, adding to a heightened sensitivity. They may feel like they are being judged by classmates regularly. And their need to belong becomes even more significant as they assert their independence. These challenges arise as a typical part of your teen’s development, and risk-taking is necessary for teens ages 15-19 to exercise their responsible decision-making abilities.
The teen years introduce greater risk-taking opportunities, which can involve alcohol, drugs, or risky sexual behaviors. You may hear from your seventeen-year-old, “Why can’t I go to my friend’s party?” when you know the party will have alcohol. Underage drinking and cannabis use may be a temptation for your teen, and this type of activity can have high risks, including significant negative impacts on your teen’s brain development.1 With risks like these facing your teen, having a secure and open relationship with them is essential. They feel comfortable and confident to face the daily pressures while knowing they can always come to you for support.
The key to many parenting challenges, like peer pressure, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.
Why Peer Pressure?
Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old feeling pressured by their friend to break curfew or your nineteen-year-old drinking alcohol at a party to fit in with their friends, your teen’s increasing need to take risks and the increasing opportunities to do so along with their desire to seek approval from their peers can become challenging. Establishing a trusting connection and teaching your teen vital skills will help them resist unhealthy risks and make responsible choices.
Today, in the short term, helping your teen deal with peer pressure can create
- greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
- trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationship;
- trust that you can support your teen through their many changes;
- a sense that your teen is better equipped to handle the stress that comes with this age and
- confidence that you’ve prepared your teen to stay safe.
Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen
- grows capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships that will serve them for a lifetime;
- grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making;
- understands ways to deal with peer pressure without compromising boundaries or losing friendships and
- cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being.
Five Steps for Dealing with Peer Pressure
This five-step process helps you and your teen work together to establish boundaries and support in dealing with peer pressure. It also develops essential skills in your teens. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are best done when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush.
Step 1 Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
You can get your teen thinking about dealing with peer pressure related to alcohol by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to peer pressure so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen
- attempts to assert their independence while still a dependent in your household;
- has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for following rules and guidelines);
- has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and
- will grow problem-solving skills.
Actions
- Find a time when your teen feels like talking, and you are not pressured. Riding in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure), and your teen will feel less “on the spot” because you are not looking directly at them. You might ask:
- “What are you and your friends most interested in trying that’s new and different?”
- “Where do you like to hang out with your friends?” Teens need places to be social; if they don’t have them, they’ll create them. Offer opportunities for healthy hangouts by offering your home and being around to provide snacks, games, and supervision, or suggest safe public spots like the ice cream shop or the recreation center.
- “Are there times when your friends are doing things you don’t want to?”
- Everyone experiences peer pressure at one time or another, including adults and teens. But your teen needs to be more experienced in dealing with it. It’s critical that they feel a sense of belonging to a group of friends. If they fear being cast out of that group because they won’t do what everyone else does, they’ll have a much tougher time making a good choice.
- Listen to your teen’s interests and ideas for trying out healthy risks. If you observe your teen taking a new interest, create opportunities to experience those risks safely. Does your teen love animals? Could you volunteer in an animal shelter together or offer to take a group of friends to try it out together? Does your teen love nature? Could you drive friends to a local park for a hike to a scenic view? Offer plenty of healthy outlets for exploration, and your teen and their friends will have less of a need to seek out unhealthy ones.
Tip: Listen closely to the insights your teen might provide about times when they feel peer pressure. Since it can be a sensitive issue, don’t expect an immediate response; raise the question and allow time and space for consideration.
Though your teen has likely been exposed to adults drinking or using cannabis, you may or may not have had specific conversations about the roles of alcohol and cannabis. Your teen may be well aware that underage drinking and cannabis use is illegal, but the “whys” of the laws are equally important now for them to understand as they formulate their sense of right and wrong. It is also helpful to know how alcohol and cannabis impact a teen’s growing body and brain differently from adults and how this influences your family’s guidelines.
It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences when expectations are unmet.
Actions
- Learn the facts together. Yes, read this next section with your teen! This is not widely known information (but it should be). So, become informed about the impacts of alcohol and cannabis on a teen’s brain development together.
- Researchers are finding that the teenage years may be a particularly vulnerable time for brain development and the adverse effects of alcohol and cannabis. Because teens are undergoing a significant brain reconstruction from learning through play to the more logical thinking required of the adult years, these changes, paired with alcohol use, can get in the way of typical development.1 In fact, experts claim that during adolescence, brains may be more vulnerable than in any other time of life because of this significant brain development. Adolescent alcohol or cannabis use can lead to
- problems with memory recall,
- problems with language development,
- problems with academic achievement,2
- reductions in abstract reasoning (which aids empathy and perspective-taking),
- declines in future planning skills and
- problems with creative problem-solving.3
- Less than half a glass of alcohol in one hour is enough to change your personality and your judgment. That small amount will suppress the brain’s frontal lobe functions, controlling inhibitions, self-control, judgment, and concentration. Even small amounts of alcohol can increase health risks, including death as a result of an accident or fight.4
- Learning about the laws regarding underage drinking and cannabis can help provide a starting point for discussion. Laws are rules society agrees are the basics for civility and health. Families must discuss the laws and facts and clearly articulate their family’s guidelines.
- Find a time to talk when your teen seems curious, talkative, and receptive. Start with questions rather than answers. “Why do you think we have laws about drinking and cannabis? What about alcohol and cannabis do you think is important for teens to know?” Take time to discover your teen’s perceptions and what they already understand!
- Co-create a plan. Talk non-judgementally (no blaming or naming) about your teen’s choices for leaving an unhealthy situation. Equip your teen with refusal strategies and practice them together. Talk about different ways to say no and run through various “what if” scenarios. The more your teen practices with you, the more prepared they will be to use these skills in higher-risk situations. Ask:
- “What truthful excuses can we devise together to leave the situation?”
- “What code can we establish (use your cell phones) so you can call me when you need me to pick you up — no questions asked?”
- When starting a conversation about substance use, instead of diving into a discussion about alcohol and cannabis, you may want to first talk about health and healthy development. You and your family may want to consider the following questions:
- “How do we keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?”
- “How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?”
- “What about the role of medicine? Do you take medication? For what and why? What is your attitude about medicine? Why is it important to take it? When do you want to avoid taking it? If you take medication, what side effects have you experienced?”
- “What are the many substances that alter your body and brain?”
- “How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?”
- Then, you might consider the following: “What do you know about the impact of alcohol or cannabis?” Like eating well, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep, avoiding substances is about staying healthy and protecting the developing brain. Change the conversation when your young adult turns 21. If you have a 21-year-old, change the conversation to focus on choices about the healthy and safe use and non-use of alcohol. The quick facts above are still important. But, now consider how your rules and guidelines will change and what will remain the same. For 21-year-olds, living at home, leaving their location, having an exit plan with a friend, and communicating when they’ll come home still apply. As you discuss facts, values, and social engagements, discuss how you (as an adult) ease out of social pressures when you don’t want to drink. Also, be sure to discuss moderation and review that it is not safe to drive after drinking.
Tip: Let your teen know that feeling peer pressure is typical. Everyone feels it at some point. The trick is knowing when to go along and when to bow out gracefully.
Tip: Did you know that giving anyone under age 21 sips of alcohol sends a clear message that authority figures feel drinking is acceptable for them? These teens are more likely to experiment with alcohol or drugs at a younger age and more frequently with friends than those whose families did not permit sipping.5 Researchers advise not allowing drinking even on special occasions for those under 21.
Trap: Some parents wonder whether allowing their children to drink in the home will help them develop an appropriate relationship with alcohol. According to most studies, this does not appear to be the case. In a study of 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, researchers observed that students whose parents allowed them to drink at home and/or provided them with alcohol experienced the steepest escalation in drinking.
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your support for your teen in dealing with peer pressure about
alcohol and
cannabis can offer opportunities for them to practice new skills if you seize those chances. Showing your teen practice to resist peer pressure in the safety of your supportive home can mean the difference between a teen who will feel prepared when challenged and a teen who is caught unaware.
With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with your support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen faces peer pressure.
Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can respond to friends and peers with courage and conviction. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.
Actions
- Practice assertive communication. Communicating to others that you have both physical and emotional needs and boundaries is challenging for adults. Teens frequently need the language or the required practice to assert their needs. But this kind of communication is necessary if they are going to stand up to the crowd and refuse high-risk substances. So, practice in small, simple, everyday ways.
- Encourage your teen to use their voice. In your child’s younger years, you needed to speak to other adults on your child’s behalf, but now they are old enough to speak for themselves. Step back and give them that chance in private and public settings.
- When your teen comes to you with an interpersonal problem involving a friend or a teacher, pause before giving any advice. Reflect on your feelings. For example, “I hear you were hurt that your friend went to the movies and did not invite you.” Ask what choices your teen might have in communicating with this other person. Perhaps offer supportive language that will help them broach the topic. Then, show your confidence that they can manage their communications and work through their problems.
- Offer conversation starters like “I-messages” to communicate needs in ways that do not place blame or harm anyone. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when you ask me to drink because I don’t want to.”
- Discuss potential scenarios and how your teen could handle them. Social pressure can be one of the strongest forces a teen faces because the teen brain is wired to seek belonging and inclusion. Not only does your teen lack experience in dealing with this kind of pressure, but these pressures can also offer high-level risks that look appealing, terrifying, or both. Teens define their identity for themselves, including what they believe is right and wrong. Though adults have faced friends offering them dangerous substances before, teens are encountering these challenges for the very first time (without wanting to appear that they are facing “first times”). Offering your teen practice in the safety of your supportive home can mean the difference between a teen who will feel prepared when challenged or caught unaware.
- Tell stories of your or your teen’s ability to think and act outside the social box. In other words, how has your teen made a decision that wasn’t popular but right for them? Celebrate that sense of confidence and independence. These stories will further shape your teen’s identity as one who can think and act for themselves.
- Notice when you feel peer pressure and call it out. Tell your teen how you felt when you didn’t have time to bake for the school bake sale but were pressured into doing it anyway. Be sure to note when you could say “No” and especially how you did it kindly while preserving the friendship.
- Respect a genuine “No” response from the teens in your household. Discuss the reasons why they are refusing. Consider whether or not their decision is based on healthy boundaries. How do you know? You might consider if the decision to go ahead with what you want would harm anyone, including your teen. Be sure to consider emotional harm, such as working against your teen forming their own identity. If so, then your teen is setting an important boundary. Notice that crucial step forward — your teen demonstrates healthy relationship risk-taking!
Tip: When your teen comes to you with a peer pressure challenge, reflect on their feelings. Ask open-ended questions to prompt their thinking. Show your trust and support that they can solve their problems with reflection.
Step 4 Support Your Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve learned together the key facts about alcohol and cannabis use, how they can impact a teen’s brain development, and the legal requirements. You’ve practiced resisting social pressures together and shared success stories. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.
Actions
- Ask key questions. “How are you feeling about your friends? Do they treat you well? Do they pressure you? Are there times when your friends or classmates want you to do something you don’t want to do?”
- Reflect on outcomes. “It seems you are worrying about your friends and their impressions of you today. Often, it helps if you talk about it. What’s going on?”
- Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and to offer support.
- Engage in further practice. Talk about times when you don’t want to go with the crowd. Perhaps the school PTA made a decision, and you weren’t supportive. How will you keep your relationships and make responsible decisions for yourself and your family that may not go along with the crowd?
Trap: The challenge of this age range is that they may initiate a fight if they feel you view them as not fully competent. Ensure you empower them to think through the consequences of their choices. Be there if they need you, but only if they ask for your support.
No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I see you chose not to join in the gossip with your friends. I like how you stayed true to yourself. Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you check in on time, I will let you stay at your friend’s house longer” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent is in the middle of a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to use bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents find themselves resorting to a bribe frequently, it is likely time to revisit the 5-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering to stop for a snack if a teen quits arguing and leaves a social gathering on time may teach the teen that future arguments lead to additional treats.
Actions
- Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when teens take responsibility, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you reflected on whether or not to go with your friend to that party considering all of the potential risks. That’s taking responsibility and thinking through consequences!”
- Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your teen being a leader and standing up for what is right – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
- Build celebrations into your routine. Teens constantly seek new adventures and the thrill of trying something new. Keep this in mind when considering celebrations. Could you try rock climbing as a family?
Closing
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.
