Experiencing stress is part of life for adults and teens. Stress is often caused by an external trigger like an angry sibling shouting, “It’s your turn to take out the trash!” or a mom insisting a teen needs to postpone hanging out with a friend to work on a college application they have been avoiding. Feelings of stress are naturally built-in mechanisms for human survival and success. These feelings are the body’s way of sending a warning when there is a threat and pointing your attention to problems that need to be addressed. A stressor can be one-time or ongoing. On the other hand, anxiety is the body’s reaction to stress and can occur even if there is no current threat. While all humans experience some anxiety, when worries and fears become persistent, they can begin to interfere with everyday life and impact your teen’s health. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can assist your teen in learning to identify and manage stress- a critical skill they will use for a lifetime.
Teens ages 15-19 are learning about their strong feelings, dealing with academic and extracurricular performance pressures, considering the major life decisions ahead in their emerging adult lives, and growing friendships and romantic relationships. All these new experiences and expectations can cause stress.
In addition, most teens also face more intense stress during family challenges, such as parents who divorce or deal with mental illness or addiction. Many families have members who face intense stress due to the effects of systemic oppression, income inequality, lack of access to services, prejudices, stigma, or other injustices. Indeed, the support a teen receives during and after stress from their parent or those in a parenting role can make a powerful difference in how that teen copes and integrates that experience over the long term. With intentional guidance and support, parents or those in a parenting role can advance their teen’s development to grow their inner strength and resilience.
Symptoms of stress may look differently in teens than they do in adults. Teens can experience both mental and physical symptoms such as restlessness, fatigue, irritability, trouble sleeping at night, and digestive problems. Some teens may act out and create conflicts as they still develop skills to manage their stress constructively.
Symptoms of stress can look very similar to symptoms of anxiety and can be difficult for parents or those in a parenting role to differentiate. Even though signs of stress and anxiety may look the same, they are different and require different approaches to handle each. Understanding the differences between stress and anxiety will help parents or those in a parenting role properly guide their teens through their intense feelings.
Stress
is a normal reaction to a situation or experience (an external trigger or stressor);
generally goes away when the stressor goes away (some stressors can be long-term, such as significant changes in family like divorce, remarriage, relocation, etc.) ;
doesn’t significantly interfere with or alter daily functioning and activities, and
responds well to coping strategies like exercise, deep breathing, etc.
Anxiety
includes intense and persistent worry and fear that is difficult to control and out of proportion to the situation,1
can be long-lasting and
significantly interferes with everyday functioning and activities.
While mild anxiety may respond well to coping strategies used to manage stress, a teen experiencing anxiety may require additional help from a mental health professional to determine if they have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are different from feelings of stress or mild anxiety, which are short-term. If your teen’s worries or fears are interfering with their relationships, school, and family life, it may be time to consider reaching out for professional support. Your primary care doctor can often be an first stop if you are uncertain where to begin.
There are resources listed at the end of this tool to help parents or those in a parenting role address complex issues like trauma, significant losses, persistent, debilitating anxiety, and depression.
While an anxiety disorder may necessitate additional professional support, every teen needs to learn skills to cope with stress, and parents or those in a parenting role can help. The following steps will prepare you to help your teen through the kinds of stressors many commonly face. The steps include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to guide you in helping your teen manage stress in ways that develop their resilience and skills for self-management.
Why Stress?
Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old refusing to go to a new job because they don’t know anyone there or your nineteen-year-old dealing with daily headaches as they anticipate an upcoming exam, stress can become a daily challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies for dealing with it.
Today, in the short term, teaching skills to manage stress can create
more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your big feelings and
added daily peace of mind.
Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen
grows skills in self-awareness,
grows skills in self-control and managing feelings, and
develops independence and self-sufficiency.
Five Steps for Managing Stress
This five-step process helps you and your teen manage stress. It also grows essential skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are best done when you and your teen are energized and in a rush.
Step 1 Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
Parents or those in a parenting role can benefit from understanding how stress is processed in the body and brain to ask helpful questions of their teen and learn about their stress.
Anytime you are emotionally shaken from stress, fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first — the primal brain — or amygdala. The amygdala responds to stress by fighting, fleeing, or freezing and serves to help us survive dangerous situations. While we rarely face tigers and bears in the wild, several everyday interactions can activate you and your teen’s fight, flight or freeze response system. During these intense feelings, some chemicals wash over the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the part of our brain that allows for reasoning and problem-solving.
What does this mean as a parent?
You may notice that once your teen is upset, it is difficult to “get through” to them, or it may seem as if “nothing works” to help the situation. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to this as your teen’s brain being “hijacked”.2 When the brain is hijacked and in a stress response, your attempts at resolving the situation with problem-solving, reasoning, bribes, or threats will do little to solve the current conflict or change your teen’s behavior. Effective problem-solving requires logic, language, and creativity, though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. While in a stress response state, your teen cannot access the part of their brain, the pre-frontal cortex, that engages in reasoning.
How you can help
When your teen becomes dysregulated, the first step is to help them return to a calm space before problem-solving or correction. Remember, helping your teen calm down does not mean that you are condoning misbehavior. Correction can take place after your teen has returned to a calm place.
When your teen is calm, you can get them thinking about ways to manage daily stress by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and stress-related challenges. In gaining input, your teen
develops awareness about how they are thinking and feeling and understands when it is stress-related and
can think through and problem-solve challenges they may encounter ahead of time.
Actions
Engage your teen in a conversation to understand their thoughts and feelings. You could ask:
“When do you feel stressed?”
“When do you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, or angry?” (These feelings can mask underlying anxiety.)
“What time of day?”
“What people, places, and activities are usually involved?”
You may reflect on a moment when your teen was in their stress response or their “hijacked” brain. For example: “When I asked you to clean up your room, you became very upset. What was going on for you?”
Asking questions does not mean you agree with or condone your teen’s behavior. However, curiosity can provide additional information that will allow you to problem-solve, reduce conflict, and help you brainstorm ways to manage stress-related challenges.
Practice actively listening to your teen’s thoughts, feelings, and worries. Though you may want to fix your teen’s problems quickly, it’s essential to listen first. Seeing your teen in distress can be deeply uncomfortable. However, sitting in that discomfort with your teen and allowing them to use their coping and critical problem-solving skills to help them thrive is important. The way to find out whether your teen is stressed is by offering a safe space for them to talk about their worries without fearing judgment.
Paraphrase what you heard your teen say. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is. It also confirms to the speaker that you have heard them. A conversation might go something like this:
Teen: “I just found out my classmates are in a group chat, and I’m not in it. They don’t like me.”
Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So I hear you found out that your classmates have an group chat that you are not a part of. Is that right?” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Parent reflecting feeling: “I get the sense you are feeling hurt about being left out. Is that right?”
Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when you are worried, upset, or anxious?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the typical feelings they are having.
Tip: If your teen is sensitive to your questions and does not like to respond quickly, save the questions when you have a longer drive. Teens tend to feel safer when you are not looking at them directly and may have an easier time responding.
Tip: Be sure you talk about stress at a calm time when you are not stressed!
Step 2 Teach New Skills
There are many daily opportunities to teach your teen new skills to manage their stress and worries. Learning about what is developmentally appropriate at each age will help you better understand what your teen is experiencing and working hard to learn. This also provides context to understand how to support their skill-building best.
Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of significant physical changes in puberty. They may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. Their peer group can present all sorts of worries, including who’s in the “in” and “out” crowds.
Sixteen-year-olds have new important goals and worries outside of school related to learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership.
Seventeen-year-olds have more severe pursuits for their mind as they consider their upcoming graduation and think about life after high school. Feeling invincible, overly confident, fragile, and scared are common.
Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults and may be entering college or facing living independently for the first time. For this reason, they may have additional stressors and may or may not be eager to discuss the complexities of adult responsibilities.
It is important to remember teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.
Actions
Model the skills yourself, and your teen will notice and learn.
Get exercise and fresh air. Getting active, whether walking or gardening, can help relieve stress.
Remember to breathe. Make a daily routine of taking 5-10 deep breaths to help you begin the morning calm and focused. If you run into stressful situations during the day, remember to breathe deeply amid the chaos to help yourself better cope.
Create quiet time. Busy schedules with teens are inevitable. However, everyone needs quiet, unscheduled time to refuel. Say “No” to social commitments when it’s too much. In addition to guarding your teen’s quiet time, be sure to carve out your own.
Set a goal for daily connection. Touch can deepen intimacy in any relationship, creating safety, trust, and a sense of well-being. It offers health benefits as well. A study found that those who hugged more were more resistant to colds and other stress-induced illnesses.3
Notice, name, and accept your feelings regularly. You can get in the habit of reassuring family members or friends, “I’m fine,” even when you are not. Yet, you need to model emotional intelligence if your teen is to learn to manage their feelings. Notice what you are honestly feeling and name it. “I’m tired and cranky this afternoon.” Accepting those feelings instead of fighting them can be a relief and allow you to take action toward change.
Ask, “What is my teen developmentally ready to become responsible for or make decisions about?” Allow for healthy risks. Realize it will not always be done perfectly or in the ways you expect. Trust your teen’s ability to solve their problems with your loving support.
Brainstorm coping strategies. You and your teen can use numerous coping strategies depending on what feels right. But recalling what will make you feel better can be difficult when you are anxious and upset. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it at the ready can come in handy when your teen needs it. For example, your teen could imagine a favorite place, take a walk, drink water, take deep breaths, count to 50, journal, draw, or ride a bike. For an easy-to-print illustration, check out Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Coping Strategies for 15-19.
Work on your teen’s feelings vocabulary. Sometimes, parents or those in a parenting role must become feelings detectives. If your teen shuts down and refuses to tell you what’s happening, you must look for clues. Despite your teen’s sophistication with language, they are still learning to put words to the complex range of their feelings. They hear feelings in daily conversations less frequently than thoughts or other expressions. Being able to identify your feelings is the first step to being able to manage them successfully.
Create a calm-down space. During a time without pressures, involve your teen in designing a “safe base” or place where your teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. Maybe their calm-down space is a beanbag chair in their room or outside on their bike. Then, think together what items you might place to help them calm down (journal, stress ball, calming app).
Is your teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once or repeatedly analyzing problems or concerns? You could compassionately talk with your teen about repetitive thoughts and how they can make us feel more distressed instead of solving a problem. A possible conversation could be: “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been discussing this problem a lot lately. Can I tell you a little bit about how our amazing brains work? Our brains are really powerful. They help us figure out how to solve problems and create great imaginary stories. Sometimes, though, our brains can get stuck thinking about a problem repeatedly in an attempt to solve it. Our brain is trying to help us! But, sometimes, having those thoughts repeatedly can make us feel even more lousy. Can we talk about things that help your brain take a break when stuck in these thoughts? I notice you have a lot of fun playing with your friend on the trampoline. Do you find it easier not to think about these things then? Maybe we can think of something loving you could say to yourself when you find your brain is repeating worries?”
Create a family gratitude ritual. People get many negative messages daily through the news, performance reviews at school or work, and challenges with family and friends. It can seem easier to complain than to appreciate. Balance out your daily ratio of negative to positive messages by looking for the good in your life and articulating it. Model it and involve your teen. This is the best antidote to a sense of entitlement or taking your good life for granted while wanting more and more stuff. Psychologists have researched gratefulness and found that it increases people’s health, sense of well-being, and ability to get more and better sleep at night.4
Tip: Deep breathing is more than just a nice thing to do. It changes your brain chemistry and allows you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic versus staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your teen can offer them a powerful tool to use anytime, anywhere, when they feel overcome with anxiety.
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your daily conversations can be opportunities for your teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen works hard to practice essential stress management skills.
Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This grows confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.
Actions
Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you use the coping strategies we discussed to calm down.” This can be used when you observe their stress mounting.
Practice your plan! Be sure to try out your plan for managing stressful situations in smaller-scale ways. For example, close your eyes with your teen and guide them through visualizing, studying for, taking, and receiving excellent marks for the exam they’ve been worrying about. This kind of practice can make all the difference in assisting your teen when their most challenging times arise. It can be helpful to brainstorm with your teen about how you can be beneficial when they are feeling stressed. Solutions you brainstorm together are more likely to be utilized in times of stress and less likely to be pushed away when your teen needs help.
Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you took some deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”
Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. Bedtime is often a key time for parent-teen connections and can also be when your child/teen’s big feelings and responses to accumulated stress show up. Consider the following strategies to help your teen feel seen, heard, and supported before sleep:
You could start a conversation with your teen by asking about their high (favorite part of the day) and low (least favorite part) of the day. Sharing highs and lows allows your teen to share difficult moments and reflect on their day’s bright spots.
When your teen shares their challenges, listen and offer comfort. While you may have a good idea of how your teen could address their concerns, try to use this time to listen. Save problem-solving for the next day. You may say, “Right now, I am here to listen. Would it be okay if I checked in tomorrow, and maybe we could talk about ways to help you with these challenges?”
If you find that your teen has a difficult time setting worries aside to allow for sleep, consider these interventions:
Start your bedtime routine 15-20 min earlier to give your teen the time to talk without you feeling rushed to get them to sleep.
After your teen has your listening attention for some time, you may say,
“I can tell this is important to you. Let’s talk tomorrow about some ideas that may help. Now it is time to sleep so your thinking brain can get the rest it needs to problem solve.” Or
“I can tell you still have a lot on your mind. If you think of things after I leave, you can write them down in this journal and share them with me in the morning.”5
Proactively remind. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember what we will say when we keep playing worries over and over in our mind? What is it?”
Step 4 Support Your Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve taught your teen some new strategies for managing stress so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.
Actions
Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You have a test coming up today. Do you remember how to help yourself if you feel stressed?” Or if your teen is experiencing social anxiety, you might prompt, “We are meeting friends today. Would it help to talk through what we’ll do together so that you feel comfortable?”
Learn about development. Each new age will present differing challenges and, along with them, stress. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
Reflect on outcomes. “It seems like you couldn’t sleep last night because you had so much on your mind. Did you have a hard time paying attention in class? What could we do tonight to help?”
Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your teen when challenging issues arise.
Step 5 Recognize Efforts
No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed when you got frustrated with your studying, you took some deep breaths and got a drink of water. Excellent.” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you finish your studying before dinner, you will have time to hang out with your friends after dinner .” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s intrinsic motivation.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen stops arguing and goes to the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to use bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents find themselves resorting to a bribe frequently, it is likely time to revisit the 5-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering to stop for a snack if a teen quits arguing and leaves a social gathering may teach the teen that future arguments lead to additional treats.
Actions
Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement you see and value your teen’s choice. For example, when teens are practicing their calm-down strategies, a short, specific call-out is all that’s needed: “I noticed that you listened to some music and then talked to me about your test that is coming up. Excellent.”
Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your teen practicing calm-down strategies independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “You worked hard this week and talked about your feelings when overwhelmed. Let’s go for a hike together this weekend.”
Additional Resources for More Intense Forms of Stress — Adverse Childhood Experiences, Anxiety, and Depression
If there are high emotions in your household most days, consider outside intervention. Physical patterns (like depression) can set in that require the help of a trained professional. Seeking psychological help is the same as going to your doctor for a physical ailment. It is very wise to seek outside help. The following are some U.S.-based resources to check out.
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)
It has definitions, answers to frequently asked questions, resources, expert videos, and an online search tool to find a local psychiatrist. http://www.aacap.org
American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Healthy Children
Provides information for parents about emotional wellness, including helping children handle stress, psychiatric medications, grief, and more. http://www.healthychildren.org
American Psychological Association (APA)
Offers information on managing stress, communicating with kids, making stepfamilies work, controlling anger, finding a psychologist, and more. http://www.apa.org
Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT)
Provides free online information so that children and adolescents benefit from the most up-to-date information about mental health treatment and can learn about important differences in mental health supports. Parents can search online for local psychologists and psychiatrists for free. http://www.abct.org
Cohen, S., Janicki-Deverts, D. Turner, R.B., Doyle, W.J. (2014). Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychological Science, 26(2), 135-147.
Emmons, M. (2007). Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2023). Stress and Anxiety. Ages 15-19. Retrieved from https://parentingmercerisland.org.
This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Explore a step by step process for dealing with simple and challenging parenting topics to build critical life skills and improve your relationship with your child.
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What does this mean as a parent?
Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when you are worried, upset, or anxious?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the typical feelings they are having.
