Confidence for Your 2-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you are essential to your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while growing confidence in your child to work toward their goals and succeed in school and life.

Confidence simply means a belief in oneself. But where does that confidence come from? It begins with the trusting relationship you work to develop with your child. Your bond with your child forms a solid foundation from which your child can feel safe exploring the world.

Two-year-olds grow their social and emotional skills through loving interactions with you and your responses to their needs. As children develop their social and emotional skills, they also grow confidence. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can foster confidence through your relationship with your child by focusing on helping your child grow social and emotional skills. Confidence is…

• Self-awareness: your child’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their identity, strengths, and limitations
• Self-management: your child learning to manage their emotions constructively, such as when you help them calm down when upset 
• Social awareness is your child’s ability to see from another’s perspective and empathize with others
• Relationship skills: your child’s new capacity to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with others
• Responsible decision making: laying the groundwork for your child’s ability to reflect – before choosing words or actions – on the consequences in order to not cause harm

Emerging confidence in children begins with confident parents who are committed to learning from and with their child. Confident parents are not perfect. They simply offer themselves the grace and permission to reflect on and learn from their mistakes. Mistakes do not define who they are.

The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Confidence?

Whether it’s your two-year-old crying uncontrollably when you leave their sight or your feelings of inadequacy when trying to respond to your child’s frustration, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection and teaching your child vital skills will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, growing confidence can create

• trust in the reactions of adults based on consistent responses
• trust in one’s self to try new things
• an assurance that you are on the right track and safe

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Growing Confidence

This five-step process helps you and your child grow confidence and essential critical life skills. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about growing confidence by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking and understanding of their own and others’ feelings. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts and feelings about confronting challenges better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• works in collaboration with you, making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life
• grows their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills

Actions

• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “How do you feel? How do you think I feel?” Two-year-olds do not yet have a feelings vocabulary and cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. They will need your support to be successful.
  • For example, if your child is making a disagreeable facial expression, say, “Freeze,” like a game. Pull out the mirror, ask them to repeat the face, and ask what that facial expression represents. For example, “Your eyebrows are squished down, and there’s a line in your forehead. Are you feeling mad?”
  • Some kids may feel interrogated with questions such as “How do you feel?” Your child can also learn through your narrations and observations. You may say, “You climbed up that slide and are smiling. I wonder if you’re feeling proud.” 
• When reading books, look at the images of children or animals and guess the feelings by asking, “Hmmm, I wonder what this character is thinking? I see their eyebrows are slanted, and their mouth is a thin line. Sometimes, parents are inclined to ask many questions when teaching their children. Narrating your observations instead of asking your child questions will invite their curiosity without putting them on the spot to answer.
• If your child is feeling unsure about how others are feeling or buried in their own feelings, help them by sharing what you think others are feeling. You could say, “I wonder if that person is feeling sad because their head is hanging down and their mouth is frowning. I wonder if  they feel sad?” Or, “I think that person might be feeling angry because their face is red and their eyebrows are scrunched up. I wonder if they feel angry?”
• Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their own feelings as well as others and seek support when they need it. This can help reduce the length and strength of tantrums as your child gains emotional competence.
• Remember, a child’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^1,2 Feelings are not right or wrong, but what your child does with their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding your child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow your child’s confidence. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help a parent better understand what their child is going through.³ Here are some examples:

• Two-year-olds are starting to see themselves as unique, individual people. They develop the understanding that they can have their own thoughts and feelings and that someone else could have different thoughts and feelings. This is key for beginning to empathize with a thought or feeling that is different from their own, such as, “Why is my friend sad because I got to eat all of the cookies?”
• Two-year-olds are eager to engage in imaginative play and, at times, cooperative play with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• Two-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Two-year-olds can recognize common feelings like happiness, sadness, and anger.
• Two-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Two-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Read and “pretend play” together.
  • During reading time, select a book with faces to help your child learn to identify the different feelings. Point out how you can tell each face is feeling each feeling, and practice recreating those cues with your child.
  • After reading a story together, act out the story and use feeling words and expressions to match how the characters are feeling throughout the story. This expands their feelings vocabulary and teaches them how to recognize a wide range of perspectives and feelings they might not encounter in daily interactions with others.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about how you are feeling, why you feel that way, and what signs you are giving even when it’s uncomfortable. “I am frustrated because I cannot get the seat belt to work. Can you tell? My face is red and getting hot.”
• Talk aloud about the ways you respond to your own big feelings: “I’m going to take a few deep breaths before trying again and see if that helps.”
• Develop empathetic thinking. In addition to developing these essential skills that lead your children to grow confidence, there are beliefs and attitudes that you can promote to contribute to your child’s thinking. For example, if your child sees their friend crying, you could say:
  • “It looks like your friend is crying. Do you think they are feeling sad?”
  • “What do you think we could do to make them feel better? Do you think we could go over and check on them?”  
• Play act anger. In a calm moment, create a drama in which you feel angry. Describe how you are feeling and why. “This doll took my toy. I feel so mad. My face feels hot. I feel like I want to growl.” Then, shift to what could make you feel better. “How could I help myself feel better?” you might ask your child. Create ideas and try them out together. “I could hug a pillow tight. I could draw with crayons or pound on Play-Doh.” Ensure that the ideas you try are ones you want to teach your child to use when they are angry.
• Practice deep breathing. When you are putting your child to bed, give a teddy bear a ride on your tummy as you breathe in and out deeply. Have your child try it.

Your daily routines can be opportunities for your child to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child the chance to take steps to meet their big challenges, whether they are working on tasting new foods for the first time, exploring the objects in their environment, or attempting to communicate with new words or phrases.
• Consider how you can create the conditions to support their success, such as creating a quiet, organized environment with age-appropriate board books, toys, or creative supplies.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.

At this point, you’ve taught your child how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.  Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me how you can tell me what you are feeling.”
• Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you squeezed your pillow as we practiced.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the unfamiliar. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you enjoyed meeting my friend Susie. Anna is kind, too. You might enjoy meeting her today.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like:
  • “You seem worried about going into this new store. I’ll hold you so that you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your child face new challenges. “Would your bear help you feel brave?” 
• Take steps to support your child if they experience separation anxiety. Be sure you are placing your child in the care of someone you trust so that you feel safe leaving your child in that person’s care. Give your child something of yours (blanket, scarf) to have while you’re gone. Express your love and explain to them when you will return in terms of activities: “You’ll finish lunch, and then I’ll be back!” Leave without lingering, but don’t sneak out.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You tried the new vegetable—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once ready for daycare, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent, which you can use on many other issues and important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, children have opportunities to become more confident while growing their social and emotional skills.