Defiance and Power Struggles for Your 2-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and helping your child learn to gain their sense of control in healthy, appropriate ways is a perfect opportunity.

Two-year-olds are starting to see themselves as unique, individual people. They develop the understanding that they can have their own thoughts and feelings and that someone else could have different thoughts and feelings. For the first time, they realize they can do some things without the assistance of an adult. This realization of separateness and independence can lead to power struggles or testing of boundaries.

Two-year-olds will want to demonstrate a host of new skills they are learning all by themselves, like putting on their coats or pressing a doorbell. Their search and desire for control are human needs that each of us requires. Your support and guidance are invaluable in helping them learn how to gain control in healthy and constructive ways.

In addition, two-year-olds will follow their impulses and feel frustrated when they cannot do what they want independently or competently. Children need practice managing those frustrations to master new skills without harming themselves or others.

Yet, you and your child will face challenges if they become frustrated when you stop their actions for safety or other purposes or when they cannot do something like put their shoes on without assistance. Whereas they were cooperative in the past, children may refuse to do something with a stern, “No, I can do it myself!” This may create conflict if they refuse to put on their coat or fight to get in the car when they need to leave your house.

The key to many parenting challenges, including defiant behavior, is finding ways to communicate so that your and your child’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your child work through their roughest, most intense emotional times in ways that grow their resilience and self-management skills.

Why Defiance and Power Struggles?

Whether your child is telling you “no” when you need to get them dressed or crying while refusing to leave the house for a commitment, learning how to deal with defiance and your child’s attempts to gain control can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies for managing those moments.

Today, in the short term, learning to manage defiance and disputes can create

• a sense of confidence that we can help our child regain calm and focus
• a greater opportunity for connection and enjoyment as we work together to get through our daily routines
• added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• builds skills in self-awareness
• builds skills in self-control and managing emotions
• learns independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency
• builds assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries, which are critical for keeping them safe and ready to manage healthy relationships

Five Steps for Managing Defiance and Power Struggles

This five-step process helps you and your child manage defiant behavior and power struggles, which can frustrate and upset both children, parents, and those in a parenting role. It also helps your child develop essential skills. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Two-year-olds are highly active, exploring their environment and everything in it. They add new words to their vocabulary regularly but do not yet know how to name their big feelings. Frustrations with needing to be understood may result in them losing control more frequently. Despite your child’s new ability to use words, continue to pay close attention to their facial expressions, movements, and sounds to understand what they are trying to communicate.

Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts. This will make a big difference in working together on defiance and boundary testing.

In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• are showing them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• are letting them know that you will help them to face challenges
• are growing their ability to advocate for themselves if something feels like too much for right now or if they need more support
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “How do you feel? How do you think I feel?” Two-year-olds do not yet have a feelings vocabulary and cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. They will need your support to be successful.
  • For example, if your child is making a disagreeable facial expression, say, “Freeze,” like a game. Pull out the mirror, ask them to repeat the face, and ask what that facial expression represents. For example, “Your eyebrows are squished down, and your mouth is frowning. Are you feeling mad?”
  • Sometimes, children can feel interrogated by too many questions. You can also use reflective narrative, without questions, to invite your child’s curiosity about their feelings. For example, “You went down the slide by yourself; I wonder if you are feeling proud.” 
• Ask about how they feel when they can do something on their own. Then, ask them about times when they need to ask for help. Let them know that everyone, even parents and those in a parenting role, has occasions when they need help.
• When reading books, look at the images of children or animals and guess the feelings by asking, “What do you think the horse wants to do? How do you think the dog feels?” If your child responds poorly to the questions, switch to narration by stating, “Hmmm, I wonder what the horse wants to do. The dog’s ears looked perked up, and his open, smiling mouth made me think the dog was excited.”
• Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their feelings and others and seek support when needed. This can help reduce disagreements as your child gains competence. Use hedging words to allow your child to correct you. You may say, “It seems like you are feeling calm right now; your body is relaxed, and you are focusing on stacking the block.” or “Your sibling stole the toy. It seems like you are angry about that. Is that right? If your child corrects your emotional label, that is great. That means they are strengthening their ability to understand their emotional experience and find the right word for it – even if their correction is not always polite.
• Use your best listening skills! Remember, what makes a parent or someone in a parenting role angry or frustrated can differ significantly from what angers or frustrates a child. Listen closely to your child’s concerns without projecting your thoughts and feelings.
• Remember, a child’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences. Feelings are not right or wrong, but what your child does with them may be appropriate or inappropriate.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding your child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help a parent or someone in a parenting role better understand what their child is going through.¹

• Two-year-olds are starting to see themselves as unique, individual people. They understand that they can have their thoughts and feelings and that someone else could have different thoughts and feelings.
• Two-year-olds are eager to engage in imaginative play and, at times, cooperative play with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• Two-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Two-year-olds can recognize common feelings like happiness, sadness, and anger.
• Two-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Two-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.
• Two-year-olds may struggle with asserting their needs or communicating when upset.
• Two-year-olds may throw a tantrum to express their anger or frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, develops problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your child positive behaviors. Each time your child acts defiantly, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the defiant behavior.
• Allow your child some control by providing them with choices throughout the day.  Allow your child to choose between two options that are acceptable to you.  For example, “Would you like to brush your teeth or hair first?”  “Would you like to wear your red or blue coat?”
• Set aside 5-10 minutes a day when your child gets to choose the play and your child gets to direct you. During this special play time, follow your child’s lead.
• Raising your voice and your level of upset in response to your child’s defiant behavior or arguments will only increase the intensity and duration of your child’s upset. Yelling only communicates that you are raising the emotional intensity, not diminishing it. If you yell at your child, your child will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely and may also feel unsafe, which can negatively impact the relationship with your child.
• Play together using control positively. Pinpoint a challenging time of day or activity, such as getting in the car seat when it’s time to leave. Enlist a stuffed friend or doll for your child to teach. Ask, “How can we teach your bear about getting in the car seat?” And be sure to ask, “What does the bear find tough about the car seat? How could we make him more comfortable with it?” Use this as a time to empower your child in ways that can help them succeed with typically challenging behaviors.
• Reflect on your child’s defiant words and actions or when they test boundaries so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself,
  • “How can my child gain control in healthy, acceptable ways?” Don’t forget that seeking control is a human need, but how we seek control is critical to growing competence. Kids spend most of their day following the commands of others. Allow safe, age-appropriate opportunities for your child to have control.
  • Think about your most challenging moments. Does it occur at a time when it makes sense to proactively offer your child two limited authentic choices – no matter how small – to provide them with a sense of control? For example, “We must draw a thank you note for Grandma. Do you want to use crayons or markers?”
  • Is a challenging moment an opportunity to build leadership skills? Can you ask for help when your child is seeking control? For example, if your child says, “No! I won’t go to the store,” you might say, “I need your help finding the right socks. You’ll know the right ones better than I will. Will you help me find them?”
  • Find small opportunities to help your child mend relationships if harm’s been caused between children. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sister feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” 
  • Allow your child to supply answers; you may be surprised at how many options they come up with. Support and guide them in selecting one and doing it.

Your daily routines allow your child to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can manage their feelings successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, whether they are working on tasting new foods for the first time, exploring the objects in their environment, or attempting to communicate with new words or phrases.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.” When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me how you can take deep breaths to help you calm down.” This can be used when you observe their upset mounting. Or, when a disagreement typically ensues, and you’ve taught them new ways to use their control, you can prompt them by saying, “Show me how you get in your car seat comfortably and safely.”
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you took some deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!” 
• Accept feelings. If you will help your child better manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings – even ones you don’t like! When your child is upset, consider your response. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”
• Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple practice that can assist your child anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!²
  • Teddy Bear Belly Breathing. Balance a teddy bear on your child’s tummy and give it a ride with the rising and falling of their breath. This would be ideal to practice during your bedtime routine when you lie and want to calm down for the evening.
  • Blowing Out Birthday Candles Breathing. You can pretend you are blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Just the image in your head of a birthday cake brings about happy thoughts. To blow out several small flames, you have to take deep breaths.
• Practice everyday skills. Your two-year-old will be learning how to do simple, everyday tasks like buttoning their coat on their own, so take time out to practice when you are not feeling pressured for time. Allow your child the opportunity, with your loving support, to go slowly as they attempt to button a coat.
• Do a dry run if you sense your child might worry about or fear a new person or experience. Your child might act defiantly, refusing to try something new because they fear the situation. If you have a trip planned, for example, go to the airport together, buy a snack, and sit and watch the travelers pass by you before your trip occurs to help your child become comfortable in that new environment.

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies for managing their intensely upset feelings so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support when they see their child fumble in a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Scaffold your child’s learning to help set them up for success. For example, “We are headed to the playground. I know it’s tough to leave when you’re having fun. Remember, I’ll remind you to do your last fun activity before we go. If you feel upset, we can take some deep breaths together.”
• Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your child’s developmental milestones promotes empathy and patience.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should follow soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, make sure you are calm. Not only is this good modeling, but when you are calm, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established (earlier in this tool in Step 2). Third, if you feel your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You took a deep breath when you got upset—that is a great idea!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or a hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “You were so helpful in the store today. Love seeing that!”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle and read before bed after getting through your bedtime routine. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.