Repairing Harm for Your 2-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

By the age of two, children are increasingly aware that they are their own individual people. For the first time, they realize they can do some things without the assistance of an adult. They also experience many feelings and are just beginning to understand how to express those feelings. They will naturally test limits and break rules. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in providing guidance and support when your two-year-old makes poor choices or mistakes. Your support in building the skill of repairing harm can help your child develop self-awareness, understanding their thoughts, feelings, and how their reactions and impulses can result in harm. They also build self-management and relationship skills — pausing, thinking with you, and taking actions that improve a situation or mend hurt feelings.¹ These skills grow your child’s sense of responsibility while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their children will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. Because this overwhelming sense of fear or hurt takes over, it impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely and feel unsafe.

Two-year-olds will naturally make mistakes, have accidents, and break rules. When they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. Though two-year-olds can appear to manipulate a situation for their good, they typically do not disobey your rules to hurt you. Children require support and follow-through from parents to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that part of the higher-order thinking skills young children are in the process of developing involves consequential thinking or linking cause to effect. ³ This directly impacts their later school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.³ Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become your child’s most powerful teaching opportunity as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and begin to understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments that grow your child’s skills, your relationship with your child will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?

When your two-year-old breaks her sister’s toy or creates a stained mess on the floor, this is an opportunity to provide guidance on repairing harm.

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child heal hurt relationships and make up for mistakes made
• a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s actions and their impact on themselves, others, and their environment
• trust in each other that you have the competence to make things right after harm has been done
• a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance for repairing harm helps your child

• build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making
• learn independence and self-sufficiency
• build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Guiding Your Child to Repair Harm

This five-step process helps you guide your child to build the skills necessary to repair harm in their relationships and when they make poor choices or have accidents. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

A child’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^2,4 Feelings are not right or wrong, but what your child does with their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate. Though they may act on a feeling in a moment that harms another, either through words or actions, they may not consider the impact on others until the harm is already done.

You can help your child start understanding their feelings by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input:

• Uncovering your child’s feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.
• You can better understand why your child is behaving in a certain way.
• You can begin teaching your child how to understand their impulses and feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.
• You can grow their self-control, self and social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Before you can get input from your child to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your child will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

• Ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or offer to have your child take some time to rest.
• Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes.
• If a snack or quiet time does not help your child calm down, offer additional options for feeling better, like hugging a pillow, coloring, or talking to a teddy bear.

Two-year-olds are in the beginning stages of learning about their own feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child are calm, reflect on your child’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

• “Does my child have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some rest time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling. Begin with the feeling word to help them build a feelings vocabulary. Keep your words short and to the point.
  • “Frustrated. Are you frustrated?”
  • “Angry. Are you feeling angry?” 
  • “Sad. I saw you dropped your ice cream cone. Did that make you feel sad?”
• You can also ask them how they think others might feel to begin teaching empathy.
  • “Your sister cried when you grabbed that toy from her. How might she be feeling?” 
  • “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”
  • “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”
• Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Describe how you feel about offering an example. Every person’s physical experience will be different. Point out physical symptoms you’ve observed. “I notice your face gets red. Does it feel hot when you’re mad?” Make the connection between those symptoms and the normal feelings they are having.

The fundamental purpose of repairing harm is to grow the skill of taking responsibility through constructive action, such as healing hurt relationships and mending broken objects. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Understanding your feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?”
• “How do I respond to my anger?”
• “How do I want my child to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for your child.

• Two-year-olds are increasingly aware of their individuality. This new awareness can lead to defiance as they attempt to assert themselves and test their ability to exert control.
• Two-year-olds are interested in demonstrating their independence, though they still learn everyday skills like putting on shoes or fastening a coat. This can lead to frustrations as they cannot act independently.
• Two-year-olds are at the earliest stages of developing a feelings vocabulary and do not yet understand their big feelings or how to manage them.
• Two-year-olds may have difficulty asserting their needs or communicating when upset.
• Two-year-olds may throw a tantrum to express their anger or frustration. They may lash out physically—hitting, biting, or throwing themselves on the floor—because they do not understand or cannot express their big feelings. They also do not know how to help themselves calm down in those heated moments.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 5 This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences when expectations are unmet.

Actions

• Teach your child positive behaviors. Each time your child misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior. This is a critical first step.
• At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you’re sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas like taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, taking a walk, or asking for a hug.
• Teach positive ways to ask for attention. It’s easy to get into the habit of pointing out what children are not doing right. When children are misbehaving to get attention, they have not yet learned how to get attention in positive ways. Consider how your child can seek your attention in acceptable ways. Then, actively teach these kinds of attention-getting behaviors. Would you like your child to say a polite “Excuse me” when they need you, and you’re engaged in a conversation? If so, practice multiple times as a family. Do a dry run so that all are comfortable, and then reinforce that positive behavior to create more of the same.
• Brainstorm healthy coping strategies and make a list together to keep in an accessible location. These might include hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.
• Work on your family’s feelings vocabulary. Two-year-olds are at the very early stages of understanding and communicating feelings. Notice and name feelings when a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you yell at your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.
• Begin to teach your child how to repair harm. When they hurt a sibling’s feelings, talk to them about what they could do to help heal the relationship, such as apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other, drawing a picture, or offering a hug. However, avoid forced apologies. If your child is not ready to apologize, hear their feelings first. Once your child feels seen and heard, they will be more open to taking another’s perspective and making repairs from a place of empathy.
• Model repairing harm. Some parents worry that apologizing for being too harsh may undermine their authority. All parents and all people make mistakes and say things they wish they hadn’t. Coming to your child and apologizing models how to take accountability for your actions.
• End the day with love. When children misbehave during the day, they often end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. In the case of repairing harm, following up with your child and helping them to make things better after a poor choice will offer this kind of rehearsal. Practice is necessary for children to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs a new action.

Actions

• Accept feelings. If you will help your child manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings — even ones you don’t like. When your child is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can improve things with your sister.” This practice will prepare your child to use it when they require your attention and are tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.
• Offer limited and authentic choices. Even if small, offering them a choice—“Do you want to talk to her or draw her a picture?”—can return a sense of control to their lives and offer valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her and make things better after you got mad. That’s how you make everyone feel better.”
• Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!⁵
  • Blowing Out Birthday Candles Breathing. You can pretend you are blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Just the image of a birthday cake in your head brings about happy thoughts. And, to blow out several small flames, you must take deep breaths.
  • Teddy Bear Breathing. Place your child’s favorite bear on their tummy while lying down. This is an excellent practice to try out at bedtime. Now, guide them to give the bear a gentle ride up and down with their breathing in and out.
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies and practiced them together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally offer support when they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “Your sister will play with the toy you love today. How can we practice taking turns?”
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger.
• Promote an “I can” belief. Children must hear that you believe in their ability to mend their relationships.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child when tough issues arise.

Two-year-olds will need your ideas, support, and guidance several times when they make poor choices since each situation will be unique. What’s important is that you work to understand their feelings, teach new behaviors, and practice. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child is most important.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed you hugged your sister and returned her toy. That’s the way to be a terrific sister.”   Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.