Talking About Differences for Your 2-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Children are constantly noting differences in the world. Parents and those in a parenting role can support children as they make sense of differences among people by talking to their children about what they observe.

You might be coming to this tool because

• Your two-year-old just made an uncomfortable comment about someone who looks different in a store.
• You want to teach your child how to appreciate differences.
• You want to be intentional about helping your child be respectful, inclusive, and kind in a diverse world.
• You might feel uncomfortable or worried about not wanting to say the wrong thing when discussing differences or wondering if you should.

Differences among people can include family structure, (dis)abilities, how much money your family has, religion, culture, spoken language, gender, and race. Two-year-olds may focus on differences like body size, spoken language, and other attributes they can see or hear. While your child’s comments may arise at times that feel embarrassing, know that your child’s blunt observations of the world are a natural and healthy part of their developing brain and curiosity about the world around them.

Talking about these kinds of differences can be challenging for parents or others in a parenting role, but you play an essential role in helping your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others.

Research shows that children think about differences between people and how they should respond to them from a very early age. However, two-year-olds often get little information about differences among people through direct and honest conversations with trusted adults like parents, caregivers, and family members. ^1,2

The steps below include specific, practical strategies and conversation starters to help you talk about differences positively and non-judgmentally. Open, honest conversations about topics often hard to discuss with your child help build and strengthen your relationship.

Why Talking About Differences?

Two-year-olds are starting to notice and ask about differences among people. Not allowing your child to ask questions and talk about these differences can lead to feelings of fear, distrust, and shame. Talking about these differences helps your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others. Talking about differences between people in positive and non-judgmental ways doesn’t divide children or make them wary or fearful of one another. It bonds them as a community and allows them to be more respectful and inclusive.

Today, in the short term, talking about differences can create

• greater opportunities for connection and trust in each other
• an understanding that trusted adults can help when your child has questions
• a feeling of celebration for all of the wonderful ways that we are all different from each other

Tomorrow, in the long term, talking about differences with your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• provides a firm foundation for speaking up when we or others are being treated unfairly
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making
• deepens family trust and intimacy
• helps them understand their unique characteristics and speak up for others

Five Steps for Talking About Differences

This five-step process helps you and your child talk about differences together. It also builds essential critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Two-year-olds are learning to sort and categorize shapes, objects, and colors. They are also learning that there are differences among people and are curious about those differences. Getting your child’s input about these differences can support your two-year-old’s curiosity and learning. In gaining input from your child, you

• are letting them know that you are open to talking about all kinds of differences, even if that conversation may feel uncomfortable at first
• are making sure they know that you see the ways that people are different from each other and that you celebrate and respect those differences
• are countering any messages your child might receive from others that talking about differences is not polite or accepted
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

• Ask questions to explore differences and similarities. Find items (balls, dolls, blocks, crayons, etc.) that you can help your two-year-old to categorize by color, shape, or size. For example, you could start sorting the crayons by color and then ask your child questions to stimulate their thinking. You could say, “Where should we put this pink crayon? Should we put it with the other pink crayons?” Or, if you are playing with shapes, you could ask your child, “How are the circle and the square the same?” Give your child ample time to think about it and offer help. “They are both red.” Also, ask, “How are the circle and the square different? They are different because the square has four straight sides, and the circle is round.” Make this a fun and interactive activity to explore your child’s thinking.
• You can also explore the differences between you and your child. You could ask, “What do you notice is different between you and me?” If they have difficulty identifying differences, offer some suggestions. You could stand together in a mirror and say, “Do you see that I have blue eyes and you have brown eyes?” Or, “I have glasses, and you don’t.” Explore similarities as well. “We both have freckles.” “We both have curly hair.” Give your child plenty of time to look for examples and share their ideas with you.
• When reading books to your child, help them to find differences and similarities in the pictures by asking questions. Help them to be successful by talking about what you notice. You could say, “Do you notice three birds in this picture that look the same? Can you point to the birds that look the same?” “What color are the birds?” Talk about differences as well. “I see two rabbits in this picture. Can you point to the two rabbits that are different? What do you see that makes them different from each other?” Offer help if needed. “They have different colors of fur. What color of fur does each rabbit have? You are right; one rabbit has brown fur, and the other has white fur.”  

The fundamental purpose of discussing differences among people is to help your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others. Teaching can help your child develop new skills and behaviors requiring modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Paying attention to how you talk about and interact with people different from you and understanding your feelings and behaviors are great places to start. It will help you understand what your child is just learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “How do I talk about people who are different from me?”
• “How do I want my child to talk about people who are different from them?”
• “In what situations do I feel uncomfortable or uneasy when interacting with people different from me?”
• “How do I respond?”
• “How do I want my child to respond?”

Children learn first through modeling. If you feel uncomfortable interacting with people different from you, your child will likely pick up on those cues and model your behavior. Formulate new ways of interacting that model how you want your child to interact with people who are different from them.

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is experiencing.^3,4

• Two-year-olds are increasingly aware of their individuality. This new awareness can lead to many questions about differences they notice between themselves and others.
• Two-year-olds are at the earliest stages of developing a feelings vocabulary and do not yet understand their big feelings or how to manage them.
• Two-year-olds are eager to engage in imaginative play and, at times, cooperative play with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• Two-year-olds are highly active with short attention spans. When talking about differences, keep it simple.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Expose your child to people and experiences different from your own family. Talk about those differences and focus on the positive experience of engaging with people, foods, music, and languages that are new to your child.
• At home, provide books, dolls/toys, and other materials that give your child a chance to see people who are different. Examples are dolls/action figures with different skin colors and physical abilities, music representing different cultures, and TV shows celebrating differences.
• Consider checking books at the library that show people who live in different housing types, have disabilities, practice other religions, or have varied family structures. Be sure to talk about differences in an accepting and inclusive way.
• Encourage your child’s questions about differences between people. When they notice these differences, your child will likely ask many questions, starting with “Why?” “Why is my hair yellow and your hair is red?” “Why do I have brown skin?” Encourage their curiosity by letting them know noticing differences and talking about them is okay.
  • Asking “Why?” for a two-year-old is their way of showing interest, trying to figure out their world, and wanting to engage with you. It is okay if you don’t know the answer to their question. Acknowledge your child’s curiosity, offer age-appropriate information, and talk positively about what your child has pointed out. For example, if your child asks, “Why does that person sound different?” You could say, “Hearing different languages is interesting to me, too. People talk to each other in many different ways. Like you learned how to talk to me, that person learned to talk differently. It is fun to hear those differences.” 
  • Your child may ask questions about differences among people that seem insensitive or offensive to adults. If that happens, don’t ignore it. Answer your child’s question in a positive and non-judgmental way. For example, if your child points to a person using a wheelchair and asks, “Why is that person in that chair?” You might respond to your child by saying, “Yes, that person is sitting in a wheelchair and using her arms to move the wheels so she can come into the room.”
• Use person-first language. Person-first language is a way to describe a person’s difference, and it names the person before labeling the difference. For example, instead of saying “the disabled person,” say “a person who has a disability.” Instead of “a brown person,” say “a person of color.”  Your two-year-old is listening to you and will eventually mimic the language you use.
• Stay informed. What is considered acceptable or respectful language may change. For example, “midget” is highly offensive when describing a little person.⁵ More acceptable language would be “a person of short stature,” but it would be best to refer to someone by their name whenever possible.⁵ It is essential to seek credible sources when learning the appropriate language.
• Grow empathy. For example, if your child is hesitant to play with someone who looks or sounds different than they do, ask questions and then support your 2-year-old by offering encouragement. “How would they feel if we invited them to play? I bet they would be happy and excited to be invited to play with you. Let’s go over and say hello together.” 

Your daily routines allow your child to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence.

Actions

• When out in your community and while running errands with your child, make introductions and involve your child in conversations with others (e.g., neighbors, the barista, or the grocery cashier). Notice whether the people in your daily lives are different from your family or if they tend to be similar. If most of your interactions with others are with people similar to you, consider seeking opportunities that would offer more diversity.
• Provide opportunities for your child to meet and interact with other children and adults of all ages, races, and cultures. Point out similarities and differences. Talk about how differences help us learn more about ourselves and others.
• Pretend play together. Allow your child to explore roles, characters, and situations that are different from what is usually expected. For example, it is okay when boys play dress up, and girls play with toy trucks. It is okay to have stuffed animals play with toy cars to show that different toys can play together, just like different kids can play together.

You are teaching your child that it is okay to talk about differences among people, ask questions about them, and interact with people who are different. You are allowing them to practice so they can learn and grow. Now, you can offer continued positive support.

Actions

• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you were playing and having fun with your new friend at the park. That’s great. I also noticed that you were looking at her dark curly hair. I noticed it, too! It is beautiful.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the unfamiliar. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you enjoyed meeting my friend Susie. Anna is kind, too. You might enjoy meeting her today.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like, “You seem worried about talking to that person who is using crutches. I’ll go over there with you so that you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present new opportunities and challenges.
• Stay engaged. Continue to seek out opportunities for your child to meet and interact with people who are different from them.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You played with some new friends at the park today—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.