Eating for Your 3-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship from the start, and developing healthy eating habits is a great way to do it.

Healthy eating habits begin in the early years, including developing family eating routines, giving your child choices about what and how much to eat, and modeling healthy options. Eating offers a time to learn about nutrition and socializing, making independent choices, sharing portions with others, impulse control, and contributing to the food preparation needed for a family meal.

Family preferences and habits are deeply influenced by culture and allow children to learn an essential part of their identity. When a child learns about their family’s eating habits and how they are different and similar to other families, they learn what makes their family culture unique and special. Eating together is an important part of childhood and can be a time for family bonding and making healthy eating a way of life.¹

Despite cultural differences in the use of utensils, spices, ingredients, and rituals, there are standard guidelines for healthy portions and food choices that are helpful for all families. Although it may be frustrating when your child does not always choose the foods or the portion sizes that are the most healthy,² it is essential to be flexible and patient. Being too rigid about eating rules will lead to disagreements and often end up with you feeling that you need to reward or punish your child for what they do or do not eat.

Sometimes, parents and those in a parenting role end up using food as a reward (“If you eat three more bites, I will let you have a cookie”) or a punishment (“Because you did not eat a healthy breakfast, now you have to eat broccoli for lunch”). This can damage your relationship with your child, add to your daily stress, and result in your child not liking healthy foods. Rather than developing healthy eating habits, your child will just comply with your rules and will likely try to defy these rules when you are not watching.

Throughout the early years, children’s experiences with food will change as they can eat a broader range of foods and experiment with independence and exploration. Your child might find certain foods they like and others they are unwilling to try. Being able to control what they eat is part of their attempt to assert independence. Involving children in grocery shopping, vegetable growing, and food preparation increases their chances of trying various foods.

Three-to-four-year-olds can handle new foods independently, such as an aunt offering them eggplant lasagna. Others will feel more challenged and look to a family member or trusted adult to help them speak up for themselves and say, “I tried it, but it was not my favorite.” Although the circumstances change as your child grows up, the need to know that a trusted adult is there for them and offering structure with independence will promote healthy eating habits at all ages.

We all face challenges sticking to healthy eating habits. As your child develops, though, it is essential that they can turn to you to offer suggestions for new foods to try, be patient as they experiment with new foods, and welcome them unconditionally to the family dinner table. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to help you discuss healthy eating habits and build a relationship with your child with reliable and unconditional support and love.

Why Eating?

Your child’s openness to try new foods and engagement with others around the meal table is essential to developing lifelong healthy eating habits. You can begin by exposing your child to new foods that are just the right level of challenge for them, offering just enough support and patience to know they can trust you, and helping them recognize and feel a sense of success and empowerment when they master the experience.

Today, in the short term, healthy eating habits can create

• opportunities for your child to have new experiences
• a sense of pride and belonging in the cultural food traditions that are important to your family
• a sense of confidence that your child can manage a certain level of difficulty
• a strong connection between you as you navigate these challenges together and triumph in success

Tomorrow, in the long term, helping your child develop healthy eating habits

• develops a strong foundation for lifelong health and well-being
• provides a firm foundation for exploration an openness to new experiences
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family connection

Five Steps for Growing Healthy Eating Habits

This five-step process helps you and your child develop healthy eating habits together. It also builds critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three-to-four-year-olds may use sentences limited to five to six words and still cry to communicate with you. Paying close attention to your child’s facial expressions, body movements, and phrases helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts.

Understanding what your child thinks and feels will make a big difference in setting the stage for healthy eating habits. Your child will give you lots of cues about whether a change or an addition to their eating routine feels too big or too small for them. Every child is different, and your child may change daily how willing they are to take on new foods and habits. The more they can contribute to the family’s eating routines (e.g., shopping, growing, preparing, planning), the more they will be excited about meals together.

You will know your child’s cues better than anyone else, and you will be able to anticipate whether eating something new and being flexible with expectations is right for today. Is your child feeling particularly tired? Did they just get hurt, or are they hungry? Knowing how they are doing and what their facial expressions and body language mean will help you decide if a challenge is the right size for your child right now.

In paying attention and noting slight differences in your child’s cries, body language, and speaking when trying to be healthy, you

• show them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• let them know that you will help them to face challenges
• will help them advocate for themselves if something feels like too much for right now or if they need more support
• tell them that they can trust you to help them gain a sense of which experiences are suitable for risk-taking and which ones are not
• deepen your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

• Help your child notice and name their cues to develop self-awareness and trust their feelings. This includes describing and naming the pride they may feel when trying something new. Pointing out the healthy eating habits they demonstrate will help them notice their successes and know they are capable when the next challenge arises.
• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “What do you notice? How do you feel? How do you think the other child feels? What are you wondering?” 
  • For example, if your child is with others who don’t like a food that your child likes – help your child notice their thoughts and reactions and those of the other children. You might even name the expressions and body language you notice: “I see the other children staring at the broccoli you brought today. Some of them are plugging their noses. I wonder if this is a food they have never seen before.” 
  • You can also point out that you remember when your child reacted similarly to a new food, but now they like it. “Do you remember the first time that you tried broccoli? You were hesitant and thought you might not like it. Maybe your friends will get more comfortable with your broccoli in the future.” 
  • When reading books, choose books that show families eating a wide range of foods and point out when they have healthy eating habits. Ask, “I noticed she had ice cream with her family at the end of the story. That looked yummy. I wonder if she will have healthier foods for dinner. What do you think?”
• If your child is unsure how to describe all the feelings that occur when trying to develop healthy habits or how others are feeling, consider asking questions, naming what you notice, and leaving plenty of quiet space after your questions. Hence, they have an opportunity to share their ideas too.
• “How did you feel when you first saw the new food? I noticed some children were very excited to try something new.”
• “I noticed other children took more time to get comfortable. Was there anything that made you feel nervous?”
• “How do you feel right now?”
• “How will you feel next time we try it?”
• “Is there anything we can do to remember how good it felt to try something new today?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding a child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s eating habits. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through.³

• three-four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
• three-four-year-olds are growing in empathy for others and will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• three-four-year-olds can carry on a conversation by offering two to three sentences but do not yet have a feelings vocabulary. They cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. A feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop.
• three-four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones through play.
• three-four-year-olds can create exclusivity by focusing on one and ignoring others. With the help of adults, they can learn to be more inclusive.
• three-four-year-olds are beginning to notice differences, including culture and race, making it critical to discuss inclusion and the essential nature of different perspectives for them to learn.
• three-four-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• three-four-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Read and “pretend play together.” Use old food containers or pretend foods to play “restaurant” or “dinner time” with your child. Use a take-out menu from a local restaurant with a different ethnic cuisine than you usually eat. Then, you can practice saying the names of the foods, being interested in them, planning to take a “bite,” and being curious about how they will taste.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about what you notice, how you feel, why you are feeling it, and what signs you are giving even when- and mainly when- it’s uncomfortable. “Our neighbor was so nice to bring some dinner to share with us. I had not tried those foods before, and I was nervous. That was hard for me.” 
• Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “That is my favorite new food, and I was so surprised that Uncle Kenny was unwilling to try it. That made me sad.”
• Grow curiosity. In addition to growing these essential skills that lead your child to build healthy eating habits, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to help them, too. For example, when your child uses definitive language like, “I will never eat this,” you can respond, “It sounds like that was not your favorite today. Maybe you will like it when you try it again.”

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve as you allow them to support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy – a child’s sense that they can try something new successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

To build healthy eating habits, it is essential to practice noticing emotions, giving your child a choice to try something new when they are ready, noticing the trusted adults who are always there to help, and remembering that the child’s strengths and pride in their own culture’s eating traditions can help them embrace family eating routines.

Actions

• It is okay to eat certain foods more often than others. Provide many opportunities for your child to be exposed to new foods and share eating routines with family members. Even if it means mixing a small amount of the new food into another food that they already like or covering the new food in honey or cheese, it will help them take one step closer to expanding their range of healthy foods. This will help them feel successful and develop an identity as someone who tries new foods.
• Provide books, dolls, menus, food magazine cut-outs, and pretend food at home to give your child many chances to see new foods and new ways of eating.
• Use your child’s dolls or stuffed animals to act out moments of new habit-building. This is an excellent way to practice facing significant challenges that the child might be experiencing or about to experience, such as a trip to a new restaurant or a family event. You could say, “Let’s cook new food for your doll. Would your doll like some trout? How does the doll feel about trying it? Maybe your doll can try a little bit and have something else they are more comfortable with.” 

At this point, you’ve shown your child that you can be trusted to be there when they need you. Your child is learning to notice when they feel worried, fearful, or stressed when encountering a new eating situation. Together, you brainstorm ways to get through a challenge and recognize the pride and success of having healthy eating habits.

You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. This support also tells the child that you see their challenge and are here to support them. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed that you put a little bit of the peppers on your plate and tried a few bites. I love seeing that.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the new. In a gentle, non-public way, you can say, “Remember how last time it seemed like the new food would be bad, but you tried it, and it turned out to be yummy? I thought you might like this food too.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like:
  • “You looked unsure what to do when you didn’t like the fruit and did not want to eat anymore. Would you like to practice what you can do if that happens again?” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security to face them rather than backing away.
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your child face new challenges. “We are having many guests come to our house for dinner tonight. Would you like to bring your bear to the dinner table to help you feel more comfortable?” Bring a comfort item with you as you face new challenges.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You tried the new carrots — I love seeing that!””  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you try the new food at dinner tonight, we will have a special treat for dessert.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent or someone in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you tried that new vegetable. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.