Talking About Differences for Your 3-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Children constantly note differences in the world. Parents and those in a parenting role can support children as they make sense of differences among people by talking to them about what they observe.  

You might be coming to this tool because

• Your three-to-four-year-olds just made an uncomfortable comment about someone who looks different in a store.
• You want to teach your child how to appreciate differences.
• You want to be intentional about helping your child be respectful, inclusive, and kind in a diverse world.
• You might feel uncomfortable or worried about not wanting to say the wrong thing when discussing differences or wondering if you should.

Differences among people can include family structure, (dis)abilities, how much money your family has, religion, culture, spoken language, gender, and race. Three-to-four-year-olds may focus on differences like gender, skin color, body size, language, and other attributes they can see or hear.  While your child’s comments may arise at times that feel embarrassing, know that your child’s blunt observations of the world are a natural and healthy part of their developing brain and curiosity about the world around them.

Talking about these kinds of differences can be challenging for parents or others in a parenting role, but you play an essential role in helping your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others.

Research shows that children think about differences between people and how they should respond to them from a very early age. However, three-to-four-year-olds often get little information about differences among people through direct and honest conversations with trusted adults like parents, caregivers, and family members.^1,2

The steps below include specific, practical strategies and conversation starters to help you talk about differences positively and non-judgmentally. Open, honest conversations about topics that are often hard to discuss with your child help build and strengthen your relationship.

Why Talking About Differences?

Three-to-four-year-olds are noticing and asking about differences among people. Not allowing your child to ask questions and talk about these differences can lead to feelings of fear, distrust, and shame. Talking about these differences helps your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others. Talking about differences between people in positive and non-judgmental ways doesn’t divide children or make them wary or fearful of one another. It bonds them as a community and allows them to be more respectful and inclusive.

Today, in the short term, talking about differences can create

• greater opportunities for connection and trust in each other
• an understanding that trusted adults can help when your child has questions
• a feeling of celebration for all of the wonderful ways that we are all different from each other

Tomorrow, in the long term, talking about differences with your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• provides a firm foundation for speaking up when we or others are being treated unfairly
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making
• deepens family trust and intimacy
• helps them understand their unique characteristics and speak up for others

Five Steps for Talking About Differences

This five-step process helps you and your child talk about differences together. It also builds important, critical life skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).

Three-to-four-year-olds are naturally curious and will actively notice and point out differences among people as they explore and learn. Getting your child’s input when discussing these differences can support your child’s curiosity and learning. Asking questions can prompt their thinking and help them understand their own and others’ feelings. In gaining input from your child, you

• are letting them know that you are open to talking about all kinds of differences, even if that conversation may feel uncomfortable at first
• are making sure they know that you see the ways that people are different from each other and that you celebrate and respect those differences
• are countering any messages your child might receive from others that talking about differences is not polite or accepted
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

• Ask questions to explore differences and similarities. You might start by asking, “What do you notice is different between you and me?” If they have difficulty identifying differences, offer some suggestions. You could stand together in a mirror and say, “Do you see that I have blue eyes and you have brown eyes?” Or, “I have glasses, and you don’t.” Explore similarities as well. “We both have freckles.” “We both have curly hair.” Give your child plenty of time to look for examples and share their ideas with you. Talk about differences and similarities with others in your family (e.g., siblings, grandparents).
• When reading books to your child, look at the images of people and ask your child what they notice about the people that make them similar and different. Ask, “What do you notice?” and “What are you wondering?”  If your child is unsure about how to describe similarities and differences, consider naming what you notice and leaving plenty of quiet space for them to think of some ideas. You could say, “I notice both children have dark hair and skin.” “I notice that one person is wearing glasses and the other is not.”   

The fundamental purpose of discussing differences among people is to help your child develop empathy, perspective-taking, appreciation of diversity, and respect for others. Teaching can help your child develop new skills and behaviors, which require modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Paying attention to how you talk about and interact with people different from you and understanding your feelings and behaviors are great places to start. It will help you understand what your child is learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “How do I talk about people who are different from me?”
• “How do I want my child to talk about people who are different from them?”
• “In what situations do I feel uncomfortable or uneasy when interacting with people different from me?”
• “How do I respond?”
• “How do I want my child to respond?”

Children learn first through modeling. If you feel uncomfortable interacting with people different from you, your child will likely pick up on those cues and model your behavior. Formulate new ways of interacting that model what you want your child to mimic when they are with people who are different from them.

Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is experiencing.

• Three-to-four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are growing in their empathy for others and will attempt to comfort and show affection for them without prompting.
• Three- to four-year-olds can converse by offering two to three sentences and are still developing a feelings vocabulary. They are learning to understand their big feelings and how to manage them.
• Three- to four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• In their social play, three- to four-year-olds can create exclusivity by focusing on one and ignoring another. With adult guidance and encouragement, they can learn inclusivity.
• Older children are beginning to notice differences, including culture and race, making it a critical time to discuss inclusion and the essential nature of different perspectives in learning.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Expose your child to people and experiences different from your own family. Talk about those differences and focus on the positive experience of engaging with people, foods, music, and languages that are new to your child.
• At home, provide books, dolls/toys, and other materials that give your child a chance to see people who are different. Dolls/action figures with different skin colors and physical abilities, music representing different cultures, and TV show celebrating differences are examples.
• Consider checking out books at the library that show people who live in different types of housing, have disabilities, practice different religions, or have varied family structures. Be sure to talk about differences in an accepting and inclusive way.
• Encourage your child’s questions about differences between people. Your child will likely ask many questions that start with “Why?” especially when they are curious about differences. “Why does her skin look different?” “Why does that person sound different?” “Why is my hair curly, and your hair is straight?” Encourage their curiosity by letting them know noticing differences and talking about them is okay.
  • Asking “Why?” for a 3-4-year-old is their way of exploring their world and learning about themself and others. It is okay if you don’t know the answer to their question. Acknowledge your child’s curiosity, offer age-appropriate information, and talk positively about what your child has pointed out. For example, if your child says, “Why does that person have dark skin?” You could say, “That is a good question. Let’s talk about that. Everyone has a skin color. Some people have lighter skin color, and others have darker skin color. They are all beautiful.”
  • Your child may ask questions about differences among people that seem insensitive or offensive to adults. If that happens, don’t ignore it. Answer your child’s question in a positive and non-judgmental way. For example, if your child points to a person using a wheelchair and asks, “Why is that person in that chair?” You might respond to your child by saying, “Yes, that person is sitting in a wheelchair and using her arms to move the wheels so she can come into the room.”
• Use person-first language. Person-first language is a way to describe a person’s differences, and it names the person before labeling the difference. For example, instead of saying “the disabled person,” say “a person who has a disability.” Instead of “a black person,” say “a person of color.”  Your child is listening to you and will start mimicking your language.
• Stay informed. What is considered acceptable or respectful language may change. For example, “midget” is highly offensive when describing a little person.⁴ More acceptable language would be “a person of short stature,” but it would be best to refer to someone by their name whenever possible.⁴ It is important to seek credible sources when learning what language is appropriate.
• Grow empathy. For example, if your child is hesitant to play with someone who looks or sounds different than they do, ask questions and then support your child by offering encouragement. “How would they feel if we invited them to play? I bet they would be happy and excited to be invited to play with you. Let’s go over and say hello together.” 
• If you hear your child say something like, “He talks weird” or “She looks funny,” spend time talking with your child about how the words we choose matter. Talk about how describing someone as “weird” or “funny” might hurt the person’s feelings. Also, explain why someone may talk differently or look differently than they do. Offer alternative words so your child learns what would be more appropriate.

Your daily routines allow your child to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides valuable opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence.

Actions

• When out in your community and while running errands with your child, make introductions and involve your child in conversations with others (e.g., neighbors, the barista, or the grocery cashier). Notice whether the people in your daily lives are different from your family or if they tend to be similar. If most of your interactions with others are with people similar to you, consider seeking opportunities that would offer more diversity.
• Provide opportunities for your child to meet and interact with other children and adults of all ages, races, and cultures. Point out similarities and differences. Talk about how differences help us learn more about ourselves and others.
• Pretend play together. Allow your child to explore roles, characters, and situations that are different from what is usually expected. For example, it is okay when boys play dress up, and girls play with toy trucks. It is okay to have stuffed animals play with toy cars to show that different toys can play together like other kids.

You are teaching your child that it is okay to talk about differences among people, ask questions about them, and interact with people who are different. You are allowing them to practice so they can learn and grow. Now, you can offer continued positive support.

Actions

• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you were playing and having fun with your new friend in a wheelchair. It was great that you picked a game that everyone could play.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the new. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you enjoyed learning about different foods? Different kinds of music might be fun to experience, too. You might enjoy joining the group playing a new kind of drum.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like, “You seem worried about talking to someone who speaks differently. I’ll hold your hand so that you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You played with some new friends at the park today—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.