Technology Use for Your 3-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship and ensure your child develops a healthy relationship with technology. After all, technology is simply a set of tools that can serve the beneficial purposes of entertaining, educating, creating, connecting to others, and making life easier.

Technology use has become a part of your child’s life. As your child grows, it has the potential to play a role in: ¹

• social and emotional development
• language development
• connection to friends, family, and others
• empathy and understanding of others
• imagination
• ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children ages three to four are learning about who they are as separate individuals with bodies, minds, and feelings. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through play, sometimes alongside (and on their own) and sometimes in cooperation with peers. Their extensive capacity for imagination and pretend play is a hallmark of this age group. Still, it also means they will have a more challenging time distinguishing between fantasy and reality. They are growing socially, emotionally, cognitively, and linguistically rapidly. This age group develops their brain connectivity more in these years than any other time in their lives (zero-to-three- year olds are making one million neural connections per second!).²

The essential thinking skills children are building at this age are executive functioning skills. These skills involve impulse control, working (or short-term) memory, and cognitive flexibility, or the ability to switch ideas or activities quickly and with a focus on each. These skills will be a critical foundation for all academic learning and require lots of practice.³

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more complicated than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.⁴ 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents are concerned that smartphones could harm their children. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group.

• Children ages 2 to 4 spend an average of two and a half hours per day on a screen.
• Nearly half of children ages 2 to 4 own their tablet or smartphone.
• Online videos or TikTok are the most popular among this age group, with this group watching an average of 39 minutes per day.³

Technology highly entertains and stimulates children, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect. It can also take away time from family time and building intimate connections. Young children, whose brains are shaping their architecture through relationships, play, and experiences in the first three years of their lives, require interaction with others and play to develop in healthy ways.

Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep children perpetually engaged. Daily device use can take time away from other critical pursuits for physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading together, playing outdoors, unstructured creative/play time, and interaction with you. The kinds of content that a child can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. While it may take more time, planning, and encouragement with your young child to develop a healthy relationship with technology, its role can become a joyful experience, enrich your family life, and promote valuable skills for school and life success. It can also prepare your child for a lifetime of wise habits related to technology tools. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support families.

Why Examine Technology Use?

Becoming intentional about your child’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their lives. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to your child’s development.

Today, in the short term, creating a healthy relationship with technology can create

• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment
• opportunity for dialogue and reflection
• a direct way to influence your child’s positive and healthy development

Tomorrow, in the long term, a healthy relationship with technology helps your child build skills  in:

• self-management and self-discipline
• planning and time management
• collaboration and cooperative goal-setting
• create positive device habits that contribute directly to school and life success

Five Steps for Examining Technology Use

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily technology use and builds essential skills in your young child. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about their relationship with technology – how they use devices, when, where, and for what purpose – by asking simple open-ended questions. Seeking your child’s input and offering authentic, limited choices in designing a plan to establish a daily device use and management routine provides multiple benefits.

In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to think through how and when they use technology and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time
• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for respecting boundaries set)
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about an ever-evolving and critical aspect of their lives at home and school

Actions

Writing down notes for yourself on your child’s responses to the following questions will support you when you work on developing rules or routines for device use. Additionally, your writing down notes will show your child that you are listening seriously and care about their input.

• What are all of the things you love to do?
• Who do you love to see or play with?

And after using a device,

• How do you feel? Since your young child is still developing a feelings vocabulary, one way to help them learn to label their feelings is to offer what you observe in brief, simple terms and ask if you are right. “You seem happy. Or you seem frustrated. Is that right?”

When setting rules around device use, use the insights you gained through these questions. What does your young child value? How can you meet their hopes and dreams by safeguarding playtime or time for family connection (without device use)?

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones your child is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for your child regarding technology use.

• Three-to-four-year-olds are aware of their separateness from others. This awareness can lead to testing boundaries as they attempt to assert themselves and exert control.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are interested in demonstrating their independence, though they still learn everyday skills like putting on shoes or fastening a coat. This can lead to frustrations as they need help to act independently.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are growing in their sense of empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can show a broader range of feelings.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can carry a conversation offering two to three sentences and develop an emotional vocabulary. They are learning to describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. A feelings vocabulary takes time to develop.
• Three-to-four-year-olds may still find it challenging to assert their needs or communicate when upset and may still throw tantrums to express their anger or frustration.

Actions

Model healthy technology habits.

• Because technology plays a significant role in family life, modeling how you use technology teaches young children more than your words ever could.
• Take a moment to think about the following:  How are you disciplined about technology?  Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and working away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child so that they understand that it’s not only children who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.
• Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”?  Talk with your child about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out.

Find nourishing and age-appropriate content.

• Shows explicitly designed to provide educational content for young children, such as the long-running Sesame Street, are available. Choose nourishing content for your child to view.
• Check review sites for the developmental appropriateness of series, movies, games, apps, and more. Make sure that the content is designed for your child’s age. Check out Common Sense Media for helpful reviews.
• Become intentional about viewing. Designate specific viewing times. Do not leave media on as background noise during playtime.
• Discuss the roles of technology in your home. Share the facts with caregivers and other family members to keep everyone informed!  Here are some critical facts gathered from Confident Parents, Confident Kids:

1. Too much screen time changes the structure and functioning of the brain. According to brain plasticity research, whatever stimuli are received over time directly affects the development and hard wiring of the brain. If children are used to changing images every 5-6 seconds, their brain needs that stimulus to help them focus their attention.⁵
2. Too much screen time can also result in obesity (unconscious eating), de-sensitivity to violent images, more significant challenges with learning and academic achievement, and less nourishing (REM) sleep.⁶
3. Hormone levels change. Dopamine, a pleasure hormone, is released while watching screens, which makes the experience addictive. It’s human nature to desire that pleasure response and return to it repeatedly. Melatonin is reduced, which affects the ability to regulate sleep, the strength of the immune system, and the onset of puberty.⁶
4. Extended screen viewing impacts the child’s developing brain. Heavy viewing has been shown to retard the myelination process in the early brain, particularly from birth to age four. Myelination is the process in which nerve cells in the brain build up a fatty protein sheath that improves conductivity, enhancing the flow of information from one cell to another. If this process is retarded, there’s a loss in the ability to use the imagination and think creatively.⁷
5. Mental fatigue shows reduced effectiveness and increased distraction and irritability. No screen time can restore cognitive fatigue. Researchers have found that being in nature is the best way to restore thinking.⁸
6. For any person to utilize higher-order thinking skills, including creative problem-solving, they must have the time for both focused attention on their goals and wandering (daydreaming) attention without entertainment to distract them.

Create rules and routines to manage device use.

• Gather as a family to discuss the key issue since it impacts everyone in a household. After sharing facts, discuss your family and personal priorities for everyday life. Here are some questions to help you consider your routine and rules:
  • How do we use our time daily when we are not at school or work? Do we like the way we use our time?
  • What activities are a high priority (meals, homework, exercise, extracurriculars)?
  • How can we safeguard unstructured playtime?
  • When do we have time to connect as a family?
  • Is there something we are missing out on because of our time on devices?
  • When does device viewing fit into our routine?

Consider the following recommendations when creating rules and routines:

• For children ages three to four, limit screen time to one hour per day only with educational, age-appropriate content (as recommended by the American Association of Pediatrics).⁹
• Mealtime can be a valuable time for families to connect. It is also an excellent time to put devices away and focus on one another.
• For healthy sleep, all devices should be shut down an hour before bedtime;
• Create a home base for charging your devices in a central living area. For healthy sleep, charge devices overnight somewhere other than a bedroom or place where a child is sleeping;
• Use your child’s feelings as a guide. Help raise their self-awareness by asking, “How do you feel?” after a session on a device. If you are more anxious, determine whether it was the content or too much screen time. Make adjustments accordingly.
• Ensure your child doesn’t spend more than one hour on screen time without a break. Healthy eyes and developing brains require it.

Check out this printable template from Confident Parents, Confident Kids, to create a family media agreement.

Your daily routines are opportunities for your child to practice vital new skills. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When your child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me you can put your tablet away when your time is up.”
• Set an alarm like a kitchen timer with your young children so that you don’t have to be the one to tell them to turn off the device. The timer indicates when their time is over.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you powered down when the alarm went off. That’s smart!”
• Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. The challenges of daily routines recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember what time it is? What’s next we don’t want to miss out on?”

At this point, you’ve engaged in various activities to help your child develop a healthy relationship with technology through plenty of practice managing their time and the content they view. This practice allows for learning and growing.

Now, you can offer continued positive support. This support encourages your child and keeps them focused on proactively managing their healthy relationship with technology.

Actions

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child can learn anything with time and practice (because they genuinely can!). Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge, especially when learning to manage technology in healthy ways!
• Ask key questions like:
  • “It looks like you’re on screens longer than we agreed. Can I help you set an alarm?”
  • “What are you missing out on that you love to do? Playing with toys, seeing friends, going to a playground?”
  • “Are you feeling good about what you are viewing? If not, how can we look for content that will make you feel better if you feel more fearful or sad?” 
• Coach your child to use their feelings as a guide. You might notice your child feeling more anxious, angry, or frustrated after spending time on screens. You might then say, “Seems like you are feeling _______, is that right? Why do you think that is?” Be sure you reflect on why the challenging feelings arose—was it too much time on screens or the content they were viewing?
• Stay engaged. Be sure you are nearby while your young child is on a device so that you can help select what to view and reflect on what is being viewed to help them make meaning of it.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is crucial in promoting more of it. For example, “You put the device down after your allowed screen time—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.