Routines for Your 4-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily routines provide an excellent opportunity.

Routines help your family move through the day smoothly and on time and can significantly impact your child’s success. Three-to-four-year-olds are eager to explore and test boundaries as they understand how things work. Routines can provide structure and repetition that makes their world easier to understand. Routines can be beneficial to support transitions from one activity or place to another. Transitions can be some of the most difficult times for three-to-four-year-olds to manage their behavior, and routines can make these times less challenging. ¹

The steps below include specific and practical strategies to help you develop routines and use them to build a relationship with your child that includes reliable and unconditional support and love, especially when they need you the most.

Why Routines?

Regular routines can help your family get through the day cooperatively while building vital skills in your child. Routines can help develop your child’s sense of security and confidence.² Routines can help them feel safe because they know what to expect and are more able to learn from the rich experiences you have together every day. When there are changes to the routine – expected and unexpected – this will also help your child learn to be flexible and practice adjusting to new situations.

Today, in the short term, routines can create

• structure to ease stress and increase cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks
• feelings that your child can make sense of their world
• a sense of mastery when your child repeats routines and knows what to expect
• added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and confidence
• builds skills to handle unexpected challenges in life
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Establishing Routines

This five-step process helps you and your child develop routines together. It also builds important, critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three-to-four-year-olds’ communication will be limited to five to six-word sentences, and they will still cry as a central form of communicating with you. Paying close attention to your child’s facial expressions, body movements, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts. This will make a big difference as you develop routines together. In becoming sensitive to the nuances of your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and sense of healthy relationships
• are growing motivation for you and your child to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are growing their ability to advocate for themselves if they need to return to a routine or get more support to manage changes throughout the day
• are modeling empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

• Consider your routines throughout the day—morning, midday, and bedtime. Creating routines around wake-up time, mealtime, naptime, bedtime, trips back and forth to child care, checking the mailbox, and going to the grocery store can make these times predictable, comforting, and fun for your child. Involve your child in creating routines around these common times by asking questions.
  • If your nighttime routine includes bathing your child, brushing their teeth, reading a bedtime story, and singing a lullaby every night before bed, you could ask your child: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after your bath?” “What song would you like me to sing before you fall asleep?”  
  • When coming into your home, for example, you might always take off your shoes near the front door. Your child will watch you and may start doing the same thing. They might firmly object if you decide to leave your shoes on one day. Involve your child in this routine by offering choices like “Would you like to put your shoes on the mat next to the door or in the basket?”
• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “What do you notice? How do you feel?” If your child is unsure how to describe their feelings when a routine changes, consider asking questions, naming what you notice, and leaving plenty of quiet space after your questions so they can share their ideas.
  • “How did you feel when I told you we would do something different today?” 
  • “I noticed you brought your book to grandma’s house so we could still do that part of our bedtime routine.”
  • “I noticed you felt better when you saw that grandma has the same kind of night light that we do.”
  • “How do you feel right now?”
• When reading books, point out routines that seem comforting and moments when those routines changed. Ask, “How do you think that character is feeling? What happened when his day changed?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding your child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s ability to stick with routines and handle change. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through.³

• Three to four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
• Three to four-year-olds are growing in their sense of empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three to four-year-olds can converse by offering two to three sentences but do not yet have a feelings vocabulary. They cannot describe their body sensations when they are upset or dealing with any big feelings. A feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop.
• Three to four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones through play.
• Three to four-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Three to four-year-olds can show a broader range of feelings.
• Three to four-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Three to four-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your child how to perform the routine. If there are new responsibilities or challenges, be sure you’ve tried those steps together first.
  • Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling, which can also be a powerful teaching tool for parents.⁴
    • Say what you will model or demonstrate and why.
    • Model or demonstrate the behavior.
    • Ask your child what they noticed.
    • Invite your child to try it.
    • Ask what they noticed with their modeling.
    • Practice together.
    • Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.
• Make your thinking and feelings explicit. Talk about what you notice, how you are feeling, and why you are feeling it. “I love that we always read stories before going to bed. It is one of my favorite times of the day because I get to spend time with you.”
• Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “It made me feel so much better to tell you how I was feeling and to ask for help.”
• Grow confidence. In addition to having consistent daily routines with your child, point out when they are following the routine on their own and when they can manage changes in the routine. “I noticed that you knew to get the bedtime story while I was getting out the toothbrush and toothpaste. You knew what to expect next and were ready for it.” When something is different, you might say, “I noticed you knew we left our usual bedtime story at the neighbor’s house, and you just picked up a different one. You did not look worried at all about trying something new. You knew how to handle that change, which was not a big deal.”
• If your child is worried about a change in routine and uses definitive language like, “We always read the other book,” you may respond with:
  • “This is something different from our usual routine, and I know we can do it.”
  • “Do you remember last time we didn’t have your favorite pajamas, and you had to wear something different to bed? You seemed disappointed initially, but then you took a deep breath and could do it.”
  • “I wonder if we can do something to help us overcome this challenge?”

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy – a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

When experiencing daily routines, it is essential to practice noticing how comfortable it feels to know what to expect and follow the routine. It is also important to plan for expected routine changes and discuss how hard it can be when unexpected changes occur. Help your child develop strategies for handling change and remind them that their trusted adults are always there to help.

Actions

• Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your child’s developmental milestones promotes empathy and patience.
• Engage in routines together, like picking up toys before snacktime or putting away your shoes when you come inside. Offer active support to engage in routines so your child can be successful.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.
• Once your routines feel comfortable and consistent, provide opportunities for your child to change the routine. “I’ve noticed you enjoy story time at the library on Tuesdays. We have enough time to check out some books after storytime this week. Do you think we should find two books we would like to check out and take home?” The goal is to feel a sense of security from being able to predict what happens each day and to feel comfortable with change.
• Use your child’s dolls or stuffed animals to act out your routine, especially if it is new or changing. This is an excellent way to practice mastering the steps of the routine. If you know a change is coming up; you can act out that change with dolls and stuffed animals so your child can experience what that change will feel like. For example, if a cousin is visiting and doing the routines with you, you can act out that change with dolls and stuffed animals. “What will happen when your cousin comes to visit? I wonder if his routine is different. Maybe we could ask him what his routine is like.”
• If part of a routine is not working, talk with your child about ways to change your plan for it to work better. “It seems to take a long time for you to decide which books to read for bedtime. I usually feel tired then, and it is hard to be patient while you choose. Is there something we can do to help you choose the books more quickly? Could we choose them in the morning? What do you think we should try tonight?” 

At this point, you are developing routines and allowing your child to practice so they can learn how to stick to the plan of their usual routine and be flexible enough to manage changes. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate how they can work through a routine with you. “Show me the next step when we get ready for lunchtime.” Offer support so your child can be successful.
• Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you got your toothbrush out of the drawer as part of our morning routine. I love seeing that.”
• Routines can feel incredibly comforting on days with extra challenges. When the house is full of visitors, and there are many changes in your regular routine, offer to let your child teach everyone your good morning song or take a walk around the neighborhood using the same path you usually use. This will help your child feel confident in their ability to teach others their routine, and they will feel less stressed because they will know what to expect.
• Actively reflect on how your child feels when they have mastered a routine or are facing a change. You can offer reflections like:
  • “I see you have the breakfast spoons ready. You know exactly what to expect next.” Naming their success will help to grow confidence.
  • “Taking this bus to the store feels different than the one we usually take. There are different signs on the walls and new things to notice. Let’s look at them together.” Noticing your child’s concerns and developing strategies for facing them will help your child know that you are there to help them get through this change.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You picked up your toys—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle and read before bed after getting through your bedtime routine.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.