Sharing for Your 4-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and helping your child grow their collaboration, turn-taking, and healthy friendship skills is an excellent opportunity. 

Three-to-four-year-olds can understand and say words like “mine,” “yours,” and “ours,” and they are in the process of learning how to share and take turns. While three-to-four-year-olds’ primary focus is on themselves and thinking of the things around them as theirs, they are also starting to learn to distinguish between what belongs to them and what is for others and learning how to follow social rules so they can be part of a community.¹

Yet, there are challenges. Sharing does not come naturally. Sharing means being willing to trust that you will have your needs met, that you can wait while someone else enjoys the toy you want, and that you can manage your frustration if the waiting takes longer than you would like. Sensitivity over ownership and sharing is expected in your child’s development. It takes some time to develop these skills and is rarely easy for anyone.

In social play, learning to share “stuff” allows your child to naturally practice cooperation, negotiation, inclusion, communication, flexibility, conflict management, and diversity appreciation. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you to help your child through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendships, learning to collaborate, taking turns, and sharing.

Why Sharing?

When your three-year-old is unwilling to share their toy with their neighborhood friend, or your four-year-old cries when someone doesn’t share with them, it upsets their relationships. Your child’s emerging abilities to engage with peers and become part of a social community are essential to their development.

Today, in the short term, sharing can create

• opportunities for your child to build relationships with others
• a growing sense of care for others
• a sense of confidence that your child can manage a certain level of difficulty
• a strong connection between you as you navigate these challenges together

Tomorrow, in the long term, helping your child share

• develops empathy
• helps them see others’ perspectives
• shifts their focus away from self to contributing to the well-being of their community
• builds self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships
• responsible decision-making skills.

Five Steps for Sharing

This five-step process helps you and your child through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendship skills like turn-taking and sharing. It also builds essential critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three-to-four-year-olds’ communication will be limited to five to six-word sentences, and they will still cry as a central form of communicating with you. Paying close attention to your child’s facial expressions, body movements, words, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts. This will make a big difference as you help your child become successful at sharing. In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• are showing them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• are letting them know that you will help them face challenges
• are growing their ability to advocate for themselves if they feel overwhelmed or if they need more support
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another

Actions

• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “What do you notice? How do you feel? How do you think the other child feels? What are you wondering?”
  • For example, if your child is with others being asked to share – such as sitting on the sidewalk with neighbors and drawing with colored chalk – help your child notice their thoughts and reactions and those of the other children. You might even name the expressions and body language you notice. For example, “I noticed you are holding the purple and the green chalk even though you are only using the purple one. The green one is tucked under your leg. Are you worried that someone will take it before you use it?” You can also point out how your child feels before and after sharing with a friend. “You held your doll tightly this morning and did not want anyone else to hold it. Now, I see your friend is holding the doll, and you are smiling. I think you feel good to see that your friend is happy.” 
• If your child is unsure about how to describe all the feelings that occur when learning to share and take turns, consider asking questions, naming what you notice, and leaving plenty of quiet space after your questions so they can share their ideas, too.
  • “How did you feel while keeping the green chalk to yourself?” 
  • “I noticed some children did not get to use the colors they wanted to use.”
  • “I noticed other children offered to share their chalk.”
  • “Was there anything that made you feel worried?”
  • “How do you feel right now?”
  • “How will you feel next time we share the chalk?”
  • “Is there anything we can do to remember how good it felt to share with your friends?”
• When reading books, look at the images of people and ask your child what they notice when the characters share. Ask, “How do you think that character is feeling? Has sharing ever made you feel that way?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding your child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s sharing skills. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through.²

• Three-to-four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are growing in their empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can carry on a conversation by offering two to three sentences but do not yet have a feelings vocabulary. They cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings, and a feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones through play.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can show a wider range of feelings.
• Three-to-four-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Help your child to offer an extra book, snack, or doll to a friend. “Let’s go over and see if your friend would like a snack too.” Then, over time, you can help them shift to turn-taking using short turns and visible cues that remind them to keep waiting. “Pick one truck that you would like to let your friend play with for a little while, and then you can take turns.”
• When you ask your child to share a toy or something else, they will worry that they will not get it back later or there will not be enough for them to get what they need. Following through on what you say can ease their fears and encourage sharing. “You will get another turn with the ball soon,” or “You will get some blocks too.”
• Read and “pretend play” together.
  • Point out how characters are sharing in the books you read together.
  • Role-play sharing to help your child practice the steps and feelings that go with giving someone else something they have. For example, have a pretend tea party together, and when your child offers you some tea or moves some lemon wedges from their plate onto yours, they are experiencing making something that was “mine” become “yours.” Take turns pouring the tea from the teapot to allow your child to practice waiting.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about what you notice, how you are feeling, and why you are feeling it. “This is my favorite puzzle, and I was worried that if I let her use it, she might lose some of the pieces.”
• Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “It made me feel so much better to tell you that I was worried about the puzzle pieces. I will tell her how many pieces there are so she can know how many she should have when she returns it.”
• Grow empathy. In addition to developing these essential skills that lead your child to share, there are beliefs and attitudes that you can promote to help them, too. For example, when your child uses definitive language like, “It’s mine,” you may respond with:
  • “Sometimes, sharing can feel tough, but then it feels good that someone else has enjoyed the toy, too.”
  • “Do you remember the last time when sharing seemed hard? You took a deep breath and were able to do it.”
  • “I wonder if we can do something to make sharing easier.”
• Help your child notice and name their cues to develop self-awareness and learn to trust their feelings. This includes describing and naming the pride they may feel when they have gotten through a challenging situation. Pointing out their resilience will help them notice it and know it is there when the next challenge arises.
• Remember that it is also okay for your child not to want to share something. Teach your kids other ways to solve problems and be considerate to others. That could look like, “Your friend wants your car toy. Let’s see if we can offer her another car to play with while she waits until you are done playing with yours.” Then, model the language you would like your child to use with their friend, such as “I’m using this car right now, but maybe you would like to play with this other one.” Your child may be too young to repeat your full sentence, but as you repeat this example (several times!), your child will begin to learn the language you would like to see them learn.

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice and your support, your child will improve over time. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy – a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Consider the request to share and make sure that it is reasonable. What is being asked to be shared? Is it something new? Something special? Something that will be used up (e.g., art supplies) and unlikely to be replaced? Sharing is easiest when the item is less valuable to your child and is not consumable. Start sharing with those objects and then work up to sharing more challenging items.
• Think about who your child is being asked to share with. How hard is it for your child to trust the other person to take good care of their toys? If it is someone your child knows and trusts, this should feel like a more effortless sharing experience. If it is someone they do not know, consider that this may be more challenging for your child.
• Provide opportunities for your child to share in ways that are more challenging than what they have done before. The goal is to develop experiences beyond what they are comfortable with. If they have already mastered taking 2-minute turns with a timer, try taking longer or not using a visual cue such as a timer.
• Provide books, dolls, and other home materials that allow your child to practice sharing through role-playing. Can they give their doll a turn to wear their favorite hat? Can they point out sharing that happens in a picture book?
• Use your child’s dolls or stuffed animals to act out challenging moments of sharing. Help your child explore sharing by asking questions and offering support when needed. “What should the doll do if he does not want to share?” “I wonder if the doll could breathe and ask for help?”
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.
• Use imaginary play to support your child’s problem-solving skills. This could look like playing out a typical sharing scenario and then pausing play to ask your child, “Piggy wants Bunny’s toy, but Bunny doesn’t want to share. What could Bunny do or say?” Placing your child as an “expert” in solving Bunny and Piggy’s dilemma is empowering and helps your child practice ideas while in an emotionally regulated state.

At this point, you’ve taught your child how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to use their new sharing skills well and independently. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity, and ask them to demonstrate how to work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me that you can share your toy with your friend.”
• Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed that you were uncertain about sharing your new tricycle, but you got through it and had a good time. I love seeing that.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is reluctant to share, offer confidence in your child’s ability to speak up for how they feel. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “If today feels too hard to share your doll, you can say, ‘I do not want to share my doll right now.’”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when asked to share. You can offer reflections like:
  • “You seem worried about sharing the ball with your friend.” Offering comfort when facing challenging situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your child face new challenges. “Would you like to hold your bear while your friend is borrowing the doll?”

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You shared your toy—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.