Bullying for Your 5-Year-Old

“Ultimately, the only power to which humans should aspire is that which s/he exercises over her/himself.” – Eli Weisel

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your five-year-old’s success. Helping your child learn to understand and deal with bullying behavior is important for their success in school and life. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.¹

Bullying is different from typical conflict among children. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time. Both individuals who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

To be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Children who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even involving the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or has the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group intentionally.

Ultimately, bullying is about power—an individual who bullies attempts to gain power by taking it from another person. Taking power from another is never fair. Bullying is not a one-time act of meanness. Bullying behaviors are typically used by children who are hurting and misunderstand how to use or gain power.

There is also a new form of bullying affecting your child’s generation — cyberbullying. A 2015 survey of U.S. students found that 24% of middle school students are cyberbullied, and 16% of high school students report cyberbullying.² Most children who report being cyberbullied (90%) have also experienced bullying in person.³ Because children who are cyberbullied are also likely to be bullied in person, the tips below essentially apply to both. However, a few specific tips about cyberbullying are clearly labeled.

It’s essential to look for signs of bullying because your child might not tell you about it. In a study of U.S. students in grades 3-12, less than half told a parent that they were bullied.⁴ The reasons a child might not tell a parent or those in a parenting role vary, including blaming themselves for the bullying, fear of punishment or judgment, and fear that the parent or those in a parenting role will go after the person who is bullying, which might worsen matters for the child.

If your child has repeated stomach aches and doesn’t want to go to school, ask if there are troubles they are avoiding. If your child seems depressed and you are unsure why, spend time hanging out together and just listening. Your demonstration of openness and trust may bring up a subject that might otherwise remain a secret.

The good news is that the research is clear on preventing bullying. There is much parents or those in a parenting role can do to create the supportive conditions necessary to help prevent bullying from occurring and to stop it if it does. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to guide you.

Why Bullying?

Bullying can impact your child and your family in powerful ways. It might be your five-year-old who is repeatedly picked on at school by another child at recess. Or, it might be your seven-year-old who refuses to go to school because of a stomach ache. It could be your ten-year-old who seems to isolate themselves and cry in their room after school but will not discuss the reasons. A child cannot properly learn at school if they feel unsafe. Learning how to prevent bullying, identify it if it’s happening, and deal with it if it becomes an issue can help you feel prepared and competent.

Today, in the short term, dealing with bullying behavior can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child through a painful situation,
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you work together with your child to care for each other,
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• grows skills in self-awareness;
• grows skills in self-control and managing emotions;
• develops competence and self-sufficiency;
• grows assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure and
• develops a healthy understanding of and relationship with power, boundaries, and other people.

Five Steps for Dealing With Bullying Behavior

This five-step process helps you and your child address bullying behavior. It also grows essential skills in your child. The same process can help to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Step 1 Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about bullying behavior by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to bullying behavior. In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset might be bullying;
• can think through and problem-solve challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• will have greater trust to confide in you if you listen with an open mind and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life.

Actions

• Engage your child in a conversation to understand your child’s thoughts and feelings. You could ask: “How do the peers around you make you feel? What makes you feel that way if you feel bad about someone?”
• Practice actively listening to your child’s thoughts, feelings, and worries. It’s easy to skip to problem-solving when your child is upset. Also, parents or those in a parenting role tend to assume their child has the same thoughts, concerns, and feelings as they do when, in reality, the child is concerned with something different. The best way to determine whether your child is being bullied is by offering a safe space to talk about their upset without fearing judgment. You want to create a safe space where your child doesn’t fear further embarrassment (like having you call a friend’s mother) or fear your punishment or disappointment. If your child shares something upsetting, remember to stop, pause, and listen before jumping in to fix what is bothering your child. Let your child know you won’t take action before discussing with them first. It is crucial for your child to feel that they have some control over their school/social life.
• Paraphrase what you heard your child say. Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. A conversation might go something like this:
  • Child: “James grabbed my ball away last week; yesterday, he pushed me at recess; now, today, he threatened to hit me. I got so scared that I ran away.” Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear that James took your ball away from you, then pushed you another day, and then, today, threatened to hit you.” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were scared. Were you also hurt and humiliated in front of others, like when he pushed you?”
• Often, children do not understand the difference between bullying and one-time meanness. So, you will likely need to interpret what your child tells you if they confide in you. Questions to help you interpret what your child tells you to determine if the behavior is bullying include: Is it a one-time event? (If so, it’s not bullying.) Are there regular or ongoing interactions that are hurting your child? Do they sound like words or actions intended to belittle and dominate?

Step 2 Teach New Skills

Learn together to figure out what bullying means. Don’t assume your child understands what bullying is or looks like. Take some time to learn what bullying is and is not. Bullying is a progressive series of attacks over time that may begin with a few mean words on the playground to gain power over another through words and actions. Bullying is never fair or right. When talking with your child, you could explain bullying like this: “Bullying is when someone says or does mean or hurtful things as a way to make themselves seem better or stronger than you.” You could provide examples of what bullying looks like. You could say, “An example of bullying is someone calling you hurtful names or threatening to cause you harm by kicking or hitting you. Another example of bullying is someone intentionally trying to get others not to be friends with you.” Once you have discussed bullying, you can ask your child questions to consider what they’ve seen and experienced with classmates. “Have you witnessed bullying at school? With whom and how?” This is a helpful beginning to a regular dialogue around this important topic.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, develops problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your child what to say and what to do. Suppose you have already had an open, trusting dialogue about bullying with your child and discovered that they are enduring ongoing harassment. In that case, the following are ways to teach your child how to react in those difficult moments.
• CAUTION: If your child has been dangerously threatened with severe harm, DO NOT follow the next steps. Instead, call the school and involve the child’s teacher, the school psychologist, the school counselor, or the vice principal — someone at the school level who will take it seriously and pursue the issue immediately. All schools, by law, are expected to have an anti-bullying policy with a straightforward procedure for dealing with it. Severe harm can be identified if there is a weapon or threat of a weapon involved, if hate has been voiced (racism, homophobia), serious bodily injury has already occurred or been threatened, sexual abuse or threat of, or illegal acts are involved such as robbery, destruction of property, or bribery.
  • Secure a safety buddy. A child who bullies typically strikes in the same or similar set of places when they have adult-free access to your child. So, decide who your child can contact as their safety buddy. Invite that buddy over for a playdate and formulate a plan together. Ideas in the plan include standing together when the peer approaches, linking arms, and walking toward a teacher together.
  • Teach your child to be brief, speak up, and walk away to safety. A child who is bullied typically finds a child who they believe to be weaker. A bullied child is typically scared and shaken by the encounters. But, if a bullying child determines they may not be able to dominate the other anymore, they quickly leave the situation. If your child is being bullied, you want them to feel they can face their attacker to end the attacks and move to safety.
• Coach your child on what to say. As the bullying child approaches, your child can say: “Stop! Then, they walk to safety, whether walking back inside the school building, finding a teacher, or surrounding themselves with friends. This assertive statement is done best with a safety buddy at their side but can be done alone. It will require a lot of practice to try it out at home first. Using this statement will also require you to ensure your complete confidence that your child can do it. But, it is a tremendously empowering opportunity for your child to take charge of their problem and tell their attacker to stop.
• One of the most important ways you can prevent bullying is by being certain you do not – consciously or unconsciously – perpetuate conditions in your own family that can lead to your child acting like a child who bullies others. Here are some specific areas of family life to examine to ensure those conditions are not being created.⁵
  • First, become aware of your language. When speaking about others, do you use language that includes labeling or demeaning words? Do you ever label your child? You may feel that calling your child a “geek” is innocent enough, but what if the teacher called to report your child was calling others geeks? Check your language as you speak and realize that your child is learning from you.
  • Here’s a self-test. Would you be upset if your child repeated what you were saying to someone else in public? If the answer is yes, it’s time to rethink and rephrase what you are saying or try not to say it. And, even if a child in your classroom acts as a bully, do not label that child. You never want a child to become permanently labeled since there is hope that their behaviors can change. Instead, label the behaviors such as, “Those are bullying behaviors.”
  • Be your child’s advocate. Perhaps you are not aggressive with your child, but a relative is. Don’t allow it. Don’t allow uncles, aunts, or grandmothers to criticize your child. You can advocate in kind and firm ways without hurting others’ feelings. For example, you could remove your child, change the subject, or distract your child with a game or other plaything. You could also pull the offending adult aside and ask them politely but firmly to stop. Also, support your child when they draw their boundaries with family members. For example, if your child chooses not to hug a family member, support their choice. If you suspect a family member is inappropriate with your child when you are not present, make sure they are never left alone with your child so that there are no opportunities for mistreatment.
  • Cultivate sibling kindness. Promote and practice sibling kindness by allowing siblings to appreciate one another. At dinnertime, ask, “What did you notice your sister did today that was kind?” Also, find chances to guide siblings toward cooperation (versus competition). Siblings who can work together get regular practice in being collaborative and will translate that practice into their school relationships.
  • Learn strategies that promote responsibility instead of resorting to yelling and/or punishment.
  • Practice social and emotional skills at home. For example, take your child with you instead of going to help a neighbor alone. Let them experience empathy in action. Find ways they can contribute to your home, school, and community. Children who practice social and emotional skills do not need to bully. They derive power from their inner resources — their skills and abilities.
• Model behaviors and your child will notice and learn!⁶ Here are some ways to deal with your upset or anger when your child misbehaves so that you can replace your power-over strategies with empowering ones.
  • Create a plan. This is critical so you’ll know exactly what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.
  • Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what your child notices, and take the following steps.
    • Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing serves a critical biological function. It allows those hormones that have surged from your anger to recede. Your body can regain its composure. And your brain can think beyond fight, flight, or freeze.
    • Switch into slow motion. Use the burst of energy to become extremely slow and intentional about using your body. Breathe and center yourself to regain your calm. No matter what chaos is happening around you, you can be assured that you will accomplish nothing – except perhaps to make matters more contentious – by reacting in an angry moment.
    • Walk outside. The fresh air does help you breathe better, and the natural surroundings are instantly calming.
    • Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction works to calm rage. Books, puzzles, music, or physical movement can help.
    • Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to re-evaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect.

• Tell an adult. If you’ve attempted to coach your child on enlisting a safety buddy and speaking up to stop the behavior, and those have not worked, it’s time to seek out an adult when the bullying occurs. Coach your child that they don’t have to stand and listen. They need to walk directly to the first caring adult they can find who can intervene and help them handle the situation.
• Partner with your child’s school. Though every school is aware that bullying can pose a significant problem for students, not all schools have plans or adequate support to put preventive strategies in place and deal with abusive behaviors when they occur.
  • Ask your child’s teacher or school counselor what programs and supports they have to prevent bullying and promote social and emotional competence. Then, ask how you can get involved.
• Teach your child to be an advocate. Help your child know what to do when they want to get involved. Talk about options when your child witnesses another being picked on. Talk about ideas like: “How could you go over to the child being picked on and show you’re a friend? How could you help that child walk away with you? How could you help guide that child to an adult?”

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL)

Edutopia (George Lucas Educational Foundation) on Social and Emotional Learning

Responsive Classroom

Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express support and encouragement. Because a child will be nervous, even scared, when a bully approaches, give your child plenty of opportunities to practice. The more comfortable they are with what they will say, the more likely they are to use that phrase at the moment it’s needed. You could say, “Show me how you would tell someone to stop their mean words.” Think about this as your very own at-home self-defense class. Act it out. After they say their line, practice what they will do, walk away or find an adult.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you’ve been practicing what you’ll say and do. That’s excellent!”
• Accept feelings. If you will help your child become emotionally intelligent in managing their feelings, it is important to acknowledge and accept them – even the ones you don’t like! When your child is upset, consider your response. You could say, “I hear you’re upset.” After listening to your child and validating their emotions through reflections you could say What can you do to help yourself feel better? How can we examine ways to take action?”
• Practice deep breathing. Teaching your child techniques such as deep breathing will help them find calm in difficult situations and give them the strength to take brave actions such as firmly telling a bully to ‘Stop.’ Getting plenty of practice is important to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!⁶
  • Hot Chocolate Breathing. Pretend to hold your hot cup of cocoa in both hands in front of you. Breathe in deeply the aroma of the chocolate. Then, blow it out to cool it in preparation for drinking. Do this to the count of five to give your child practice. Then, look for chances to practice it regularly.
  • Ocean Breathing. Practice making the noise of the sea waves while breathing deeply from your diaphragm. Close your eyes with your child and imagine your anger is a fiery flame waiting on a sandy shore. And as you breathe life into the ocean waves, they grow closer and closer to the flame to extinguish it.
  • Remember that modeling can be the most influential teacher if your child dismisses your attempts to teach deep breathing. At difficult moments, you may say, “I’m feeling upset. I will take a few deep breaths to help calm myself down.”

Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were the high points (favorite parts) and low points (least favorite part) of your day? This will allow your child to share their difficult moments and the day’s highlights.

Step 4 Support Your Child’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies for dealing with bullying behaviors so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together and can now offer support when needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support when they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. First, communicate to your child that you believe they have the skills to handle the situation but that you are here to guide and help.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You are going to see Julie today. What are some of the things you can do to assert yourself and get away if you need to?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present different challenges. Being informed about what developmental milestones your child is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Reflect on outcomes. You could say, “Seems like you couldn’t sleep last night. Was it because you were feeling bad about how Julie acted at recess? Tell me more. What about trying out some role plays tonight so you can go in tomorrow knowing what you can say and do?”
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.

Step 5 Recognize Efforts

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You talked with your classmate about what was bothering you — that must have taken a lot of courage- Excellent!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect, like “If you follow your plan to play with your safety buddy at recess, we will stop for a treat on the way home from school.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children are working to practice a new plan, a short, specific call-out is needed: “I noticed you enlisted a safety buddy at recess today, and Julie left you alone. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your child acting as an advocate independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “Let’s try out a few role plays and then put our worries away and enjoy snuggling up to a good book.” Include hugs in your repertoire of ways to appreciate one another.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. This tool allows children to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.