Now Is the Right Time!
As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a critical role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-teen relationship, and assisting your teen in learning how to deal with peer pressure provides a valuable opportunity.
Children/Teens ages 11-14 are forming their identity, and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. Peers influence what’s acceptable and what’s popular. Peer pressure can consume your child/teen with worries about fitting in.
Children/Teens ages 11-14 are also gaining a more profound social awareness that allows them to see from the perspective of their peers. This newfound empathy can create social anxiety, and they may make incorrect assumptions about peers’ impressions of them, adding to a heightened sensitivity. They may feel like they are being judged by classmates regularly. And their need to belong becomes even more significant as they assert their independence. These challenges arise as a typical part of your child’s/teen’s development, and risk-taking is a necessary developmental behavior for children/teens ages 11-14 to exercise their responsible decision-making abilities.
As your child/teen gets older, they will be introduced to greater risk-taking opportunities, which could involve alcohol, drugs, or risky sexual behaviors. You may hear from your twelve-year-old, “Why can’t I go to Megan’s party?” when you know the party will be unsupervised. Underage drinking and cannabis use may be a temptation for your child/teen, and this type of activity can have high risks, including negative impacts on your child’s/teen’s brain development.1 With risks like these facing your child/teen, having a secure and open relationship with them is essential. They feel comfortable and confident to face the daily pressures while knowing they can always come to you for support.
The key to many parenting challenges, like dealing with peer pressure, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and their needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.
Why Peer Pressure?
Whether it’s your eleven-year-old feeling pressured to go along with their friends’ plans or your fourteen-year-old acting cool to impress their friends to fit in, your child’s/teen’s increasing need to take risks and the increasing opportunities to do so along with their desire to seek approval from their peers can become challenging. Establishing a trusting connection and teaching your child/teen vital skills will help them resist unhealthy risks and make responsible choices.
Today, in the short term, helping your child/teen deal with peer pressure can create
- greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
- trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships;
- trust that you can support your child/teen through their many changes;
- a sense that your child/teen is better equipped to handle the stress that comes with this age and
- confidence that you’ve prepared your child/teen to stay safe.
Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen
- grows capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships that will serve them for a lifetime;
- grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making;
- understands ways to deal with peer pressure without compromising boundaries or losing friendships and
- cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being.
Five Steps for Dealing With Peer Pressure
This five-step process helps you and your child/teen work together to establish boundaries and support in dealing with peer pressure — especially related to alcohol or cannabis. It also develops essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.
Step 1 Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
You can get your child/teen thinking about peer pressure by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to peer pressure so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen
- has a stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for following rules and guidelines);
- has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
- will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their lives and relationships and
- will grow problem-solving skills.
Actions
- Find a time when your child/teen feels like talking, and you are not pressured. Riding in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure) since your child/teen will feel less “on the spot” because you are not looking directly at them. You might ask,
- “How are you feeling about your friendships? Do you feel you can trust at least one friend?” (Friendships contribute to emotional well-being, and it only takes one trusted friend.)
- “What are you and your friends most interested in trying that’s new and different?”
- “Are there times when your friends are doing things you don’t want to?”
- Everyone experiences peer pressure at one time or another, including adults and children/teens. But your child/teen needs to be more experienced in dealing with it. It’s critical that they feel a sense of belonging to a group of friends. If they fear being cast out of that group because they won’t do what everyone else does, they’ll have a much tougher time making a good choice.
- Listen for interests and ideas your child/teen might have for trying out healthy risks. If you observe your child/teen taking a new interest, create opportunities to experience those risks safely. Does your child/teen love animals? Could you volunteer in an animal shelter together or offer to take a group of friends to try it out together? Does your child/teen love nature? Could you drive friends to a local park for a hike to a scenic view? Offer plenty of healthy outlets for exploration, and your child/teen and their friends will have less of a need to seek out unhealthy ones.
Tip: Listen closely to the insights your child/teen might provide about when they feel peer pressure. Since it can be a sensitive issue, don’t expect an immediate response; raise the question and allow time and space for consideration.
Though your child/teen has likely been exposed to adults drinking or using cannabis, you may or may not have had specific conversations about the roles of alcohol and cannabis. Your child/teen may be well aware that underage drinking and cannabis use are illegal, but the whys of the laws are equally important for them to understand as they formulate their sense of right and wrong. It is also helpful to know how alcohol and cannabis impact a child’s/teen’s growing body and brain differently from adults and how this influences your family’s guidelines.
Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to follow through on meaningful, logical consequences when unmet expectations are met.
Actions
- Learn the facts together. Yes, read this next section with your child/teen. This is not widely known information (but it should be). So, become informed about the impacts of alcohol and cannabis on a child’s/teen’s brain development together.
- Researchers are finding that the teenage years are a particularly vulnerable time for adverse effects from alcohol and cannabis because of brain development. Because teens are undergoing a significant brain reconstruction from learning through play to the more logical thinking required of the adult years, these changes, paired with alcohol or cannabis use, can get in the way of typical physical development. 1. Brains may be more vulnerable during adolescence than at any other time because of this significant brain development. Adolescent alcohol or cannabis use can lead to:
- problems with memory recall,
- problems with language development,
- academic challenges, 2
- reduced abstract reasoning (which limits empathy and perspective-taking),
- problems with future planning and
- less creative problem-solving. 3 4
- Learning about the laws regarding underage drinking and cannabis can help provide a starting point for discussion. Laws are rules society agrees are the basics for civility and health. Families must discuss the laws and facts and clearly articulate their family’s guidelines. 5
- Co-create a plan. Talk non-judgmentally (no blaming or naming) about some choices your child/teen might have for leaving an unhealthy situation. Equip your child/teen with refusal strategies and practice them together. Talk about different ways to say no and run through different “what if” scenarios. The more your child/teen practices with you, the more prepared they will be to use these skills in higher-risk situations. You could ask:
- “If you feel pressured and need to get out, what truthful excuses can we come up with to leave the situation?”
- “What code can we establish (use your cell phones) so I know to pick you up immediately, no questions asked?“
- When starting a conversation about substance use, instead of diving into a discussion about alcohol or cannabis, you may want to first talk about health and healthy development. You and your family may want to consider the following questions:
- “How do we keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?”
- “How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?”
- “What about the role of medicine? Do you take medication? For what and why? What is your attitude about medicine? When is it important to take it? When do you want to avoid taking it? If you take medication, what side effects have you experienced?”
- “What are the many substances that alter your body and brain, like coffee, tea, over-the-counter medicine, prescription medicine, alcohol, cannabis, energy drinks, and others?”
- “How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?”
- Then, you might consider the following: “What do you know about the impact of alcohol or cannabis?” Just like eating well, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep, avoiding substances is about staying healthy and protecting the developing brain
Tip: Researchers find that allowing children/teens under the age of 21 to sip alcohol sends a clear message to children/teens that authority figures feel drinking is acceptable for them. These children/teens are more likely to experiment with alcohol or drugs at younger ages and more frequently with friends.6 Researchers advise not allowing drinking, even on special occasions, for those under 21.
Trap: Some parents wonder whether allowing their children to drink in the home will help them develop an appropriate relationship with alcohol. According to most studies, this does not appear to be the case. In a study of 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, researchers observed that students whose parents allowed them to drink at home and/or provided them with alcohol experienced the steepest escalation in drinking.
Tip: Let your child/teen know that peer pressure is typical. Everyone feels it at some point. The trick is knowing when to go along and when not to.
Tip: If you are in a circumstance where relatives become intoxicated, it’s your responsibility to get your family to safety. Leave the situation. Let your child/teen know that the reason you are leaving is because there are adults who have made unhealthy choices and have lost their sense of control. This is modeling your resistance to peer pressure!
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your support for your child/teen in dealing with peer pressure about
alcohol and
cannabis can offer opportunities for them to practice new skills if you seize those chances. Showing your child/teen practice resisting peer pressure in the safety of your supportive home can mean the difference between a child/teen who will feel prepared when challenged or a child/teen who is caught unaware.
With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen faces peer pressure.
Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s/teen’s sense that they can respond to friends and peers with courage and conviction. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.
Actions
- Practice assertive communication. Offer your child/teen simple, everyday ways to practice standing up kindly and firmly to others for their needs or values. Respect a response like, “I’m done playing.” Or you could prompt, “Seems like you need some quiet, alone time. You can always tell me, ‘I need some alone time.’”
- When your child/teen comes to you with a relationship problem, play coach, not problem solver. “How is it making you feel? What choices do you have? What might happen if you try that out?”
- Offer conversation starters like “I-messages” to communicate needs in ways that do not place blame or harm anyone. “I feel uncomfortable when you ask me to drink because I don’t want to.”
- Respect a genuine “No” response from everyone in your household. Discuss the reasons why they are refusing. Consider whether or not their decision is based on healthy boundaries. You might consider if the decision to go ahead with what you want would harm anyone physically or emotionally, including your child/teen. If so, your child/teen is setting an important boundary.
- Tell stories of your or your child’s/teen’s ability to think and act outside the social box. In other words, how has your child/teen made a decision on their own that hasn’t been popular but was right for them? Celebrate that sense of confidence and independence. These stories will begin to shape their identity as one who can think and act for themselves.
- Notice when you feel peer pressure and call it out. Let your child/teen know how you felt when you didn’t have time to bake for the school bake sale but were pressured into doing it anyway. Be sure to note when you could say “No” and especially how you did it kindly while preserving the friendship.
Tip: When your child/teen comes to you with a peer pressure challenge, reflect on their feelings. Ask open-ended questions to prompt their thinking. Show your trust and support that they can solve their problems with reflection.
Step 4 Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve learned together the key facts about alcohol and cannabis use, how they can impact a child’s/teen’s brain development, and the legal requirements. You’ve practiced resisting social pressures together and shared success stories. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.
Actions
- Ask key questions. “How do you respond when your friends or other classmates want you to do something you don’t want to do?”
- Reflect on outcomes. “It seems you are worrying about your friends and their impressions of you today. Often, it helps if you talk about it. What’s going on?”
- Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your child/teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and to offer support.
- Engage in further practice. Talk about times when you don’t want to go with the crowd. Perhaps the school PTA made a decision, and you weren’t supportive. How will you keep your relationships and make responsible decisions for yourself and your family that may not go along with the crowd?
No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I see you chose not to join in the gossip with your friends. I like how you stayed true to yourself. Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you check in on time, I will let you stay at your friend’s house longer” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent is in the middle of a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to use bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents find themselves resorting to a bribe frequently, it is likely time to revisit the 5-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering to stop for ice cream if a child/teen quits arguing and leaves a social event may teach the child/teen that future arguments lead to additional treats.
Actions
- Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens take responsibility, a short, specific call-out is needed: “I noticed you reflected on whether or not to go with your friend to that party considering all of the potential risks. That’s taking responsibility and thinking through consequences!”
- Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child/teen being a leader and standing up for what is right – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
- Build celebrations into your routine. Children/Teens constantly seek new adventures and the thrill of trying something new. Keep this in mind when considering celebrations. Could you try rock climbing as a family?
Closing
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.
